I know nothing about horoscopes. Well, actually I know a lot about horoscopes given that I read mine every month and it tells me exactly what to do. I’ve been reading my horoscope so long that I think that I should be able to divine what your future is going to be like from the stars. Either that or this is complete bullshit. Whatever. Don’t believe it. But when you lose the one shot at love that I have foreseen, don’t blame me.
TAURUS (APR 20–MAY 20)
A handsome stranger will approach you in with a gift. The gift is your Seamless delivery order. The position of Mars (Mars is the delivery guy) makes the second week of the month a prime opportunity to make a bold romantic gesture. Consider writing a love letter, for example, or washing your bed sheets.
GEMINI (MAY 21–JUNE 20)
May is a time for self-reflection and great personal growth for you, Gemini, which means that now is the perfect time to start a new and ambitious project, like running for public office, or adding new body pics to your online dating profile. A chance encounter near water will cause you to reevaluate a long-held belief. A second frozen yogurt place will open in your neighborhood.
CANCER (JUNE 21–JULY 22)
An unexpected invitation will take you to an unexpected place, either physically or emotionally. Seize the opportunity to explore your new surroundings, but be wary of rash decisions, and also poison ivy, which may give you rashes. Around the 24th, an attractive barista will remember your name.
LEO (JULY 23–AUG 22)
You will share an intimate moment on public transportation. With the sun in opposition to Jupiter (Jupiter is your landlord), you may find yourself contemplating a major life change, like moving, or giving up dairy products.
VIRGO (AUG 23–SEPT 22)
The position of Venus (Venus is the brand of your lady razor) makes May an ideal time to rekindle an old flame via AOL Instant Messenger, or Snapchat. Allow yourself to take comfort in your shared history, but do not turn a blind eye to new possibilities.
LIBRA (SEPT 23–OCT 22)
A casual acquaintance will reveal a long-kept secret in the bathroom of a bowling alley. Around the full moon, you will experience a sudden surge in your sexual appetite. Embrace your newfound sense of adventure, both during sexual intercourse, and on safari.
SCORPIO (OCT 23–NOV 21)
A daring risk early in the month will pay off by the fourth week of May, either spiritually or financially. Now is the perfect opportunity to tackle a project you have been avoiding — clean out your closet, or read Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV 22–DEC 21)
You will be presented with the chance to participate in a summer time-share. Weigh the offer carefully; the placement of Neptune (Neptune is the guy who lives next to the summer share who likes back hair and Speedos) makes this a bad month for impulsive decisions, but a good month for weddings. A casual relationship may turn serious by the 15th. Think about switching to an electric toothbrush.
CAPRICORN (DEC 22–JAN 19)
A major conflict in your relationship will ultimately lead to new and greater understanding by the end of May. Capitalize on your newfound stability by making a major new commitment, but be wary of adopting a puppy without meeting it first. Support from Saturn (Saturn is the puppy) makes mid-month a good time to right an old wrong, and also, to host a barbecue.
AQUARIUS (JAN 20–FEB 18)
Anything that happens to you on Tinder this month will lead to unfortunate consequences. Do not swipe right, do not swipe left. Focus instead on existing relationships, like the one you have with your local taqueria. They have changed their guacamole recipe, and it is worth investigating.
PISCES (FEB 19–MAR 20)
You meet a mysterious stranger from the Internet, who will turn out to be quite charming, but also the ex of your former roommate. An awkward encounter in the first half of May will lead to a promising romantic situation by the month’s end. In the interim, consider joining a recreational kickball league.
ARIES (MAR 21–APR 19)
The new moon puts you at the height of your creative powers, which will benefit you personally, professionally, and while sexting. Also, in papier mâché.