Advice

You’ve Been Masturbating Incorrectly This Entire Time

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An instructional video on how to pleasure one’s self may seem pointless — it certainly wasn’t a topic of discussion during that awkward gym class sex ed session back in 9th grade — but that’s the magic of the HowToBasic YouTube channel. Everything you’ve been doing during your alone time has been wrong. The right way to masturbate involves balsamic vinaigrette, squeeze toys, and dozens of eggs. Obviously.

HowToBasic’s satire of the obnoxious and oversaturated DIY YouTube culture is avant-garde in all the rights ways. The hidden star of the show (who has remained anonymous since his channel blew up in 2011) deserves a little artistic credit, even when his destructive routine dabbles in sexual topics. He realizes the list of schoolyard innuendos for masturbation, phrases we use to avoid just talking about the practice — “Toss the Salad,” “Beat the Meat,” “Choke the Chicken,” “Slap the Sausage” — and points how stupid they are. Too deep a read for a throwaway YouTube video? The man might be obsessed with cracking eggs on his floor, but he makes a point too.

Matt Patches is a writer and reporter living in New York City. His work has been featured on Vulture, Time Out New York, and The Hollywood Reporter. He is the host of the pop culture podcast Operation Kino.

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