I’m not ready for marriage, but I’m definitely ready for a wedding. Here is my list of demands:
1. I shall not be walked down the aisle by my father. I will be lowered from the cathedral ceiling like Wendy in Peter Pan, in wings made of dove feathers, lace, and white chocolate in case I become hungry up there.
2. There shall be a mandatory weigh-in for all guests. Anyone with a lower BMI than myself shall be forced to don a rented fat suit.
3. No one shall be allowed to make eye contact with me on the day of the wedding.
4. I shall be drugged the night before the ceremony, and my natural fingernails shall be removed and replaced with fingernail-shaped sapphires.
5. Bridesmaid dresses will be floral print. Why does no one do this? Also they will be made to look a bit saggy and depressed, lest my best friends or sister accidentally appear stunningly beautiful.
6. The DJ shall be a real DJ, like from night clubs in Europe. In fact, he shall be French and very well-known among the right circles.
7. My new husband shall declare his love for me in the form of a musical YouTube video, played from a projector onto a giant screen made of silk. He will have gotten everyone we know to sing and dance in the video, as well as a few guest stars such as Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The entire ordeal shall be a complete surprise to me.
8. The rings shall be run down the aisle by my pristinely white dog, who will be smiling and wearing a collar of diamonds.
9. There will be a trick chair, so that when my new husband takes a knee for the ghastly garter removal, he shall instead produce a succession of unrelated objects, seemingly out of my giant, lacy hoop skirt. First object shall be a potato. Final object shall be a tuba. Everyone shall laugh and call us “bohemian” and “genius.”
10. Bridesmaids will be required to keep string cheese in their frock pockets at all times in case the bride feels snacky and fidgety at the same time, as she often does.
11. A shimmery white helicopter shall fly my husband, my dog, and myself from venue to venue throughout the night. Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be the pilot.
12. When we exit the cathedral, our friends and family will shower us in gold flakes.
13. Oh and there will be a masseuse on the helicopter.
14. Each time my husband twirls me during a dance, 1,000 purple butterflies shall be released from a trap door in the floor.
15. Do butterflies poop? They will be made not to.
16. The cake shall be made of edible, vegan glitter.
17. I shall have eyelash extensions made of J Lo’s hair and ruby dust.
18. I don’t really give two shits about the flowers.