American Pie. The most ridiculous movie ever, right? Oh, come on — you know you were obsessed with it. How many times did you see it? How many times did you have to sneak to see it because your parents wouldn’t let you? It’s become a movie of our generation, one that changed our definitions of band camp, pie, and MILFs. And actually, it had some somewhat legitimate advice, if you look really hard. We looked really hard. And here’s what we found:
“It’s like banging a tennis ball against a brick wall, which can be fun. It can be fun, but it’s not a game. What you want is a partner to return the ball.” -Jim’s Dad
Nailed it, Jim’s Dad. What a perfect metaphor for that delicate stage in your life when you are… masturbating a lot. You’ve got the masturbating thing down, you’re practically an expert — and you are feeling ready to have sex with someone. Now what?!
“You ask them questions, and listen to what they have to say and sh*t.” -Chris “Oz” Ostreicher
This isn’t how we would have put it exactly, but sure. Oz is kind of right. And as simple and as dumb as it seems, some guys just don’t get it. Asking questions is really good (as opposed to talking about yourself the whole time), and adding in a little bit of listening practically makes it a wonderful conversation. The “and sh*t” addition at the end seems a little vague, but we see plenty of promising options. Offer our own honest opinion? Share a story? Give him/her a compliment?
“Why Don’t You Guys Locate Your Dicks, Remove the Shrink Wrap, and F*cking Use Them?” -Steven Stifler
Stifler is definitely a jerk-off. But yet, he’s loveable. Because even when he is mean and conniving, he really does want the best for his friends. He wants them to get laid. So although this advice may seem crude, consider the audience: 4 of his peers who want to have sex but are terrified. In this case, perhaps a little peer pressure is just what the doctor ordered. It can serve as a reminder that we should spend less time being scared of sex and more time having it. Especially when we are as hot as Chris Klein.
“I don’t want any of you boys thinking that you’re gonna score. You don’t score until you score!” — Coach Marshall
That’s right, boys. Despite the fact Coach Marshall is technically talking about lacrosse, who can think of balls at a time like this? The message is the same: never assume you are going to get laid. Assume you are not going to get laid. Then you won’t act like an overly-aggressive idiot who only wants to get his date in bed, plus you’ll be psyched when it happens. (And it will happen sooner, if you aren’t always assuming it’s going to happen every time.)
“You don’t have to come to a place like Look Out Point and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic. You have to pay attention to a girl. Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.” — Oz’s date, the college girl
Thank you, Post Modern Feminist Thought Girl. In four sentences, you have given Oz enough to think about for the next 10+ years. If you remember this scene, you know it follows Oz urging his date to “Suck me, beautiful.” A line like that doesn’t even fly in American Pie.
And finally: Be Yourself.
When the American Pie-ers tried to be anyone other than themselves, it never worked out. Jim didn’t get Nadia. When the girls find out Paul Finch isn’t actually a sex god in bed, he’s ostrasized and dateless for the prom. Sherman loses out when everyone discovers he hasn’t truly been bagging the hottest girls in the school. And when Oz decides to shed the whole “Suck me, beautiful” thing, he actually meets his girlfriend. Wow! Is real life like this!? The answer is yes. Real life is exactly like American Pie.