After careful consideration (asking my guy friends on facebook) and scientific research on a select group (if you were born in the late 70s/early 80s and have an affinity for plaid shirts, NPR, and not shaving everyday – we’ve probably gone out once or twice) I can now conclude the following facts are true.
WINNIE COOPER (The Wonder Years): You develop huge crushes on girls you don’t know that well, and tend to put them on pedestals. You tell everyone you’re totally over the One Who Broke Your Heart, yet you still always like all her facebook pictures where she looks hot, and still send her links to Buzzfeed collections of cute puppies because she may have hurt you, but you think she’s still kind of great. You hold onto your crushes for eternities.
KELLY KAPOWSKI (Saved by the Bell): You like girls that are sweet and pretty. Snooze.
JESSIE SPANO (Saved by the Bell): You like complicated women and are non-judgmental about substance abuse. (Though beware boys: caffeine pills are a gateway drug.)
LISA TURTLE (Saved By the Bell): You like the chase, while at the same time would never self-identify as a Dustin Diamond type (especially in light of his recent second career).
TOPANGA (Boy Meets World): You always want the best-friend-you’re-also-in-love-with relationship. Your one downfall is you don’t get why girls are always weirded out that you have so many close female friends, who you probably only hook up with when you’re drunk. (I’m guessing.)
CANDICE BERGEN (Murphy Brown): I’m guessing you were a bit young for her, but hey — you appreciate a strong career women who won’t be held down by the patriarchy or Dan Quayle’s expectations. Nice! (Or: you were struggling with your sexual identity.)
STEPHANIE TANNER (Full House): You like sweet girls who are a bit of a train wreck. You always tell your friends “I really need to break up with her!”
REBECCA DONALDSON (Full House): You like good girls who like bad boys that headline bands and have backup singers they refer to as “The Rippers.” (You think you are a bad boy.)
PAM ANDERSON (Baywatch and umm, that movie with Tommy Lee): You probably just like big boobs. Nothing to see here, move along.
YASMINE BLEETH (Baywatch): This means “Yep, I like boobs, but I prefer brunettes and maybe someone Scott Baio didn’t have sex with, if that’s cool?”
CINDY CRAWFORD (MTV’s House of Style): Every guy liked her – she was like the nineties female equivalent of Ryan Gosling.
Were there any big nineties crushes I missed? Miss Bliss from Saved by the Bell? Alex Mack? Angela Chase? Let me know below!
Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer in New York and has written for The Hairpin and The Billfold, among others. You can find her online (usually talking about her love of burritos) at @michmarkowitz or email her at: firstname.lastname@example.org