Once you engage someone in conversation standing up, suggest, “Why don’t we take a seat on el sofá and I’ll give you a lesson in the international language. Of Chipotle.”Kitchen:
Stand with one hand draped over the fridge/freezer. As people help themselves to beers, whisper, “I’ve got your silver bullet right here, stud.” If you’re in the northeast, just coo, “Schlitzzzzzz.”Bedroom:
Sit down on the bed, looking up at your conquest with doey eyes, and say, “You know what turns me on? Seasonal allergies. So I have to sleep with the humidifier on full blast and Vicks painted on as a moustache.”Laundry:
Turn the washing machine to a spin cycle and playfully hop aboard the locomotive for a ride. If it’s one of those new, energy-conserving quiet machines that don’t move, say, “Listen…” and then, breathing heavily, “that’s the sound of control-top hosiery getting wrapped in a knot around my favorite cardigan.” Men love a mystery.
Bathroom: Most people wrongly assume that only disaster can befall people who find themselves in company in a bathroom. But it deserves to be recognized as the prophylactic cornucopia it is. Ask your crush, “Are you dirty?” Then scrub their back with a coarse loofah like they’re an ebola outbreak.
Garage: Stroll around the garage or carport, running a sultry finger along the mismatched storage units and shelving racks, holding the gaze of your crush, then trace your plump lips. Gah. Your finger is now stuck to your lip. Epoxy fail: hit reboot.
Toolshed: This should be a can of corn. Pick a tool, any tool, and wield your feminine wiles. Example: Me, clutching weed wacker sensuously, “I’d let you cut another man’s grass if you wanted.”
Pantry: Congratulations. You’re surrounded by Hamburger Helper, Jello and Metamucil. You are officially the sexiest thing in this room.