He invited you back to his place to hate-watch The Newsroom, which we all know is code for “Watching The Newsroom, and then….” This is the first time he’s seen you in your “show me on the doll” area. Exciting, but wait! Here’s what your first undies that he sees says about you:
BIKINI BOTTOMS: This is my laundry day and on nights we don’t see each other I might eat cereal out of a large mixing bowl for dinner.
LINGERIE: This decision was not spontaneous in any way. I debated the pros and cons sleeping with you all day on gchat with friends, but good news: several girls you’ve never met think you sound great and sign off on this!
COMMANDO: It’s really important to me that you think I’m… free-spirited.
COTTON HANES: On our next date I’ll feel comfortable enough to sleep in my retainer.
HANKY PANKY THONG: You know I’m going to expect brunch tomorrow, right? It’s my favorite meal. I also pepper my texts to you with a liberal amount of winky faces and LOLS!
DAY OF THE WEEK UNDERWEAR: I’m not trying to be a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl, I just really like taking canning classes and spending an insane amount of time curating a tumblr of photos and quotes from Godard films.
PASTEL WITH A FLORAL DESIGN: I never do this. (She probably never does this.)
SPANX: I AM MORTIFIED AND WAS NOT PLANNING ON THIS HAPPENING AT ALL.
Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer in New York and has written for The Hairpin and The Billfold, among others. You can find her online (usually talking about her love of burritos) at @michmarkowitz or email her at: michellemarkowitz@gmail.