Why You’re More Likely to Get Laid in the Fall

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I don’t think I’m generalizing when I say that fall is the best season of the year. Fall is especially perfect for those who like to sleep with women. That’s right, I am going to postulate here that this is truly the greatest season because women are hornier during the fall.

Have I conducted scientific research to investigate this hypothesis? No, I have not. But I will share some anecdotal reasons why I, as a lady, would say that fall is really when we are in our sexual prime.

It all starts with socks. Do you know what summer shoes mean for women? It means three to four months of hot, sweaty foot skin rubbing up against the inside of our ballet flats or strappy sandals. It means blisters and pain and also intense foot odor. But now we’re wearing socks inside our cute little ankle high booties and we’re feeling lighter than ever. So light and free that we are down for literally anything. Also: knee socks! Who doesn’t feel sexy in those?

I’d also like to thank the great Starbucks Corporation for making it easy for all of womanhood to basically pump pumpkin spice lattes into our bloodstream IV-style the second September hits. And you should thank them too because all you have to do is bring your lady a surprise pumpkin spice latte and you’re gonna find yourself tied to her bedpost with some fun, striped infinity scarves that go really well with her military jacket from Madewell in no time flat.

Speaking of the clothes we want to shed, they’re some of the best of the year. We’re talking cashmere sweaters, brightly-colored corduroy pants, suede boots, leather jackets, and more chambray than you can shake your fingerless gloves at. And the sales, oh, the sales. Fall clothes shopping is a downright orgasmic experience and, lucky you, we’re gonna ride that wave of pleasure right back home to you.

That goes a long way to maintaining our relationships. I’m willing to bet that 99% of relationships that end during the summer are simply due to a high level of humidity. Humidity is the universe’s way of testing our endurance in the face of extreme discomfort. It makes our hair look bad, it makes us all sweaty, and it makes walking two blocks seem like a Herculean effort.  Women aren’t touching men with a ten-foot pole when it’s humid out. You have body hair, for Christ’s sake, get away! But wait three months and that sweaty chest mop is now a super sexy pelt that we can’t wait to rub our fingers through while sitting by the fire. A nice, warm, dry fire. The opposite of humid.

So go ahead, break out the hard apple cider, light some autumnally scented candles, and go nuts, you crazy kids. And try not to think about how long it’s gonna take you to rake the yard, because you’re really going to be needed inside.