Recently, the self-professed “genius innovator” behind Pirate’s Booty has expanded his snack empire with SexyPop, a new line of extra-babely popcorn. Which, Slate’s L.V. Anderson points out, is a little counterintuitive: Even vamped up with superfine flavors like “Bangin’ Cheddar” and “French Butter,” popcorn isn’t known for its sex appeal. It gets stuck in your teeth, she says. It crunches in a profoundly unsexy way, it gets gross, unsexy residue on your fingers, and also, it’s shaped like an asymmetrical blob. All good points! Plus, if you buy it, you’ll be the person with something called Bangin’ Cheddar in your cart, which isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker — I, for one, will hold no brand of popcorn against anyone — but it’s something to consider.
However, while the argument that popcorn has approximately zero sex appeal is a powerful argument, and perhaps a popular argument, it is not an airtight (air-popped?) argument. Because popcorn, even SexyPop — which, as far as I can tell, is exactly the same thing as all other popcorn — is not without its seductive properties. Here are five of them:
1. Popcorn is a fun food.
Popcorn says, “I am a carefree adult who is eating like a child, or like a person at the movies.” It’s nostalgic. It’s carefree. It says you know a good time. Another thing that is a good time? Sex with you.
2. Popcorn shows you’re not afraid to get messy.
You are a person who is not prissy about getting Bangin’ Cheddar on your fingers, which probably means you’re not afraid to get other things on your fingers. Hopefully, it also means you’re accustomed to washing your fingers, so that’s good, too.
3. Popcorn is for sharing.
A big bowl of popcorn is designed for sharing. Even a small bowl of popcorn is designed for sharing. Sharing is inherently romantic. You can’t adorably brush hands eating separate sandwiches.
4. Popcorn is comfort food.
Like chicken soup and diner fries, popcorn isn’t trying too hard. It’s not showing off. Popcorn is intimate. Popcorn has nothing to prove. Popcorn — even French Butter popcorn — knows what it is, and it’s not afraid to show it.
5. Popcorn is flexible.
Dress it up, dress it down, make it sweet, make it spicy. Popcorn has longevity because it has possibility, and possibility is sexy. A Dorito is just a Dorito, but a kernel of popcorn can be anything.