Advice

“You’re Not Going to Find a Boyfriend in Pants That Tight” + 6 More Gay Dating Tips from My Mom

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My mother is a wonderful and supportive person, and she has always been there to guide me through life with sage advice and delicious snacks. While it took her a minute to get used to the idea of her only son holding hands with other dudes instead of bringing home nice Christian girls, she eventually came around, and even started handing out some stellar dating tips. Instead of keeping all the gay-love-words-of-wisdom my mother has imparted to me all to myself, I present you with these 7 tips. And remember, mother knows best.

 

1

Don’t Come Out to Your Mother at a Bob Evans

When coming out to your mother, who brought you into this world and has provided for you all your life, don’t spill the news that you’re gay at Bob Evans. It is just not the type of place you want to hear that kind of thing. Plus, now she can never go to Bob Evans again. (Note: I did come out to my parents at Bob Evans. I don’t believe they’ve been back.)

2

You Could Be Just Like That Nice Boy from The Family Stone

Remember that nice boy from The Family Stone? That movie with Sarah Jessica? Well you could be just like that boy! Except not deaf.

3

Living Alone Makes it Easier to Score

When living the single life in New York, it is important not to share a room with a friend. What if you want to have a boy over? Not that I would condone a sleep-over or anything, but I’m just saying if you want to have someone over to listen to music on your bed, a roommate would just get in the way. (Note: I think this is what my mother believes happens when a date comes home with you.)

4

Why Don’t You Date That Andrew Again?

That Andrew was a such a nice boy. And he got along so well with your sisters. He did cry a lot, though.

5

Date Elton John

If you’re at an awards show with Sir Elton John, you should most definitely date him. You just track him on down and ask him on a date. I know he’s old, but he’s so wealthy. And I just love “Candle in the Wind.”

6

Those Pants Are Too Tight

I’m sorry, but I don’t want you going to church like that. I don’t think you’re going to find a boyfriend in pants that tight.

7

Now That Gay Marriage is Legal in New York, You Should Be Married

Now that gay marriage is legal in New York, isn’t it time you made that commitment? Two years is long enough to date, plus I could help plan it. You just let me know what I can do.

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