A few years ago I let my manicurist Grace set me up on a blind date. Upon meeting Saint (the dude), he promised he danced “every dance imaginable” and informed me that he was allergic to alcohol. It was then I realized we weren’t even a remotely close match, and I said as much. “Every dance imaginable? How can you even make that claim? Also, my entire life revolves around alcohol and I don’t see how this is going to work.”
But Grace had had good intentions. She was correct in that Saint was handsome, kind, and loaded with dollar bills. But that wasn’t all I was looking for. (I was looking for someone to booze with.)
Grace was disappointed Saint and I didn’t get married. Two weeks later I took her advice and permed my hair exactly like her. Staring at the atrocity in the mirror after the hours-long hair treatment process, I realized I needed to stop taking advice from Grace, sweet as she was. And I made a list of requirements that people must fulfill before they set me up again. (Obviously, this list is specific to me, but you can use it as a jumping-off point to start your own list, which I highly recommend.)
You Must Be Able To Make Me Laugh
If you can make me laugh, I automatically respect every single thing about you and would jump off a bridge if you told me to. I wish I was joking but that’s how I roll.
You Must Meet My Family
You’ll understand a LOT about me by meeting my mom and my dad. Not just why I am me (which you will get in, like, 5 seconds), but also what I look for in a relationship. My parents click like crazy.
You Must Know One Other Guy I Have Seriously Crushed On Or Dated
I don’t have a type that I am always attracted to, but if you know me well and you know my crush history, you’ll get an idea of what is really important to me and what is not important to me in a guy, and I trust you to set me up with someone of equal crushable-ness.
You Must Have Gotten Drunk With Me
It all comes out when I’m drunk. Drunk with me for 30 minutes tells you a good majority of what you need to know.
You Must Have Spent Ample Time Gchatting/IMing With Me
Another side of my personality is revealed through the Gchat. I think typing in real time with others tells you about their voice, but allows you to examine it in print, so it soaks in more. You can also tell a lot about someone from their typing style. For example, I usually throw my fingers on the keyboard, visualizing the words I am trying to say and hope that the letters I type resemble my thoughts. It’s usually a mess, kind of like me.
You Must Post Or Share Links That I Find Relevant
If you care about stuff I think is interesting, I trust you to set me up with someone interesting. But if you constantly send me links to things I’m not interested in — rather than links that make me laugh or go “oooo, ahhh” — you probably don’t know enough about me to set me up with someone compatible.
You Must Hang Out With Me When I Am In My Element
I’d want you to get to know me when I’m most comfortable… with a group of my closest friends who bring out the best in me. It is important you see that 100% me version of myself before you set me up.
You Must Be Able To List Three Things I Have Bitched About In The Last Month
If you can identify what irks me, you will know who not to set me up with, ever.
You Must Have Viewed My Facebook Profile and I Must Have Viewed Yours
If there are any outstanding issues or questions, they will be cleared up in a quick Facebook background check.
You Must Have Known Me For At Least 6 Months
Within 6 months, most of the following will likely occur: my birthday, Christmas, it will be sucky-hot, it will be sucky-cold, I will take a trip (or three) to Disney World, I will start and finish at least one book that seriously moves me and I will become obsessed with, I will train for and run some sort of race, there will be a new swash of ladies in rotation on Bravo’s Real Housewives series, I will struggle with money, I will have at least one extremely humiliating drunken incident, I will go home to Ohio. Those are milestones I want you to see me go through. They’re not all pretty, but they’re important in getting to know me well enough to match me up with a guy. Or a girl. Hey — if you’ve been through this sh*t and you’re still hanging around, I totally trust you.