Being Single

Navigating the Map of “Whore Island”

Pin it

Editor’s note: Catch up on Bianca’s previous dating adventures here

On a recent night out at a bar, my friends Mitch and Keaton observed that I was “eyeing every guy in the room.”

“Looks like someone’s looking to party on Whore Island,” they said. Whore Island? Apparently it’s an island originally referenced on the show Archer. My friends then created an actual map (below), laying it all out.

This is your guide to Whore Island.

First things to remember about Whore Island:

  1. It’s not a man’s fantasy of an island filled with whores (as the original reference suggests).
  2. It’s not an actual place, it’s a state of mind.
  3. Being on Whore Island doesn’t make you a whore.

Whore Island is essentially the island you are on when you’re not looking for anything serious. You want to have fun, meet people (who you will probably never see again), and party down. You do whatever you want, and you DON’T save numbers on Whore Island. It’s a way of living for a short amount of time, but you don’t want to find yourself beached on the island with no way to get off of it. It’s a great place to be, but let’s be honest — you don’t want to be there forever.

Related: 7 Ways To Tell If It’s Just A Hookup

On the island:

The River of De-nile (Denial): De-nile is a river on Whore Island. In this instance you are most definitely still on Whore Island. Physically. Mentally, you’ve told yourself you’re not… so you’re just riding the stream on Whore Island, appeasing yourself by saying you’re not participating in any island activities, when really… you know you’re making some stops down the stream.

Related: What Your Drink Says About You On Your Date

X-es Mark the Spot:

These “X”s mark where you shouldn’t dig (or should, depending on the situation). Nobody knows what’s buried there but you. Chances are, if they are an ex, you buried them for a reason and it’s not treasure that you’ll find. For the brave and the hopeful, you could dig that up… and maybe you will find treasure that you forgot you had. It’s highly suggested that you proceed on your treasure hunt with extreme caution.

Surrounding the island:

The Virgin Island: Self explanatory. You eventually want to get off this island, and of course once you leave…you can never go back.

The Relation-Ship: This is where most people ideally want to end up. Sometimes you might ride The Relation-Ship for a while, but boat life may get rocky and you decide you want to get off and make a quick stop at Whore Island or swim in the sea before getting back on another ship. You could also be forced to walk the plank* off The Relation-Ship and somehow find yourself washed ashore on Whore Island, deciding you want to adventure there for a bit.
*that captain was a jerk, you’re better off not being on that boat anyway

The Sea of Plenty of Fish: This equates to actual dating (and not just traipsing around with the islanders). Swimming in the Sea of Plenty of Fish gives you the opportunity to spend time and get to know the wonderful sea creatures which you may find compatibility with. It’s the transition from getting off Whore Island (maybe start by dipping your toes) and getting back on The Relation-ship.

Recyclables: They’re floating in the sea. You threw them there. These are people who you’ve dated or been with in the past, who you might decide to go back to so your “number” doesn’t go up. That’s a thing.

Related: The 9 Types of Pre-Exclusive Relationships

You are here:

Where you are on this map should be by choice. Hey, if you want to stay on the Virgin Island, far be it for anyone else to judge. Frequent Whore Island much? Go for it. It’s a fun place, just try not to get stuck there. Perhaps you want to keep swimming with the fish forever — boats aren’t your thing. Maybe you want to stay on the boat and just observe all of the happenings around you while you live this stable life that you know so well.

You could be sitting on the beach dipping your toes into the sea, and hanging out with some fish that you think are super cool, but just not quite sure where the waters could take you yet. You’re close enough to shore that you could still be invited to party by an islander (it might take an awesome islander to really lure you back in), but you can also see that glittery Relation-Ship in the horizon. Rid the sea of some recyclables while you’re out there (you’re just doing your part to keep the sea a little cleaner).

In navigating the map, the key is to not think of it as a path that you must follow. It’s more of an ecosystem. If there is an end destination, you’ll find it, but it’s best to just go with the flow and sea see where it takes you.

naked_photos_modern_dating (1)