This Is The Worst Sex Writing of 2013

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young woman shouting in ecstasy

Get those emergency sick bags on your laps, folks. The shortlist for the Bad Sex Awards, the not-at-all-prestigous prize for the “most egregious passage of sexual description in a novel” is making the rounds again. Among the frontrunners is the work of late folk singer Woody Guthrie, whose novel House of Earth was published earlier this year by Johnny Depp, of all creatures. From his track record, it would seem Depp should quit championing literary works and keep with his flamboyant pirate schtick. And sorry, lonely women over 40, Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy was overlooked this year.

Here are some of the highlights from the awkward, nausea-inducing scenes.

“I kissed the soft bristles in the hollow of her armpit.” –Rupert Thomson, Secrecy

“…surfing the waves of neuromuscular euphoria” as “brain cells swirl and jive” – Matthew Reynolds, The World Was All Before Them

“Her body melted into a single note of music to the sky.” – Woody Guthrie, House of Earth

He waits “tensed, tortured, for Victoria’s palms to start descending once again towards the elastic of [his] underwear.” – Eric Reinhardt, The Victoria System

A “voice I had never imagined was bellowing harshly oh GOD, oh GOD, OHGODOHGOD!” – Susan Choi, My Education

For more gems, you must go look at the Literary Review’s Twitter. The winner of the award will be announced on December 3rd. But “winner” is a pretty relative term here, dontcha think?

Image via Veer.