1. He thinks he’s too good for her now that he’s on “Two and a Half Men.”
2. They’re not actually married. Demi was just being elaborately “Punk’d” for six years.
3. She never forgave him for dressing up exactly like Michael Jackson in the “Smooth Criminal” video at their wedding.
4. He complained that there weren’t enough product placement opportunities in their marriage.
5. He accidentally called her “Demmy” in bed.
6. Their shared love of funny hats was no longer enough.
7. His insipid Twitter bio –”I make stuff, actually I make up stuff, stories mostly, collaborations of thoughts, dreams, and actions. Thats me.” — proved to be too embarrassing for her.
8. He’s starting to look like Joaquin Phoenix in “I’m Still Here,” except it’s not a post-modern performance joke thing.
9. He acts like he does in Coolpix commercials around the house all the time.
10. They both got tired of saying each other’s stupid names. “Oh, Ashton!” “Oh, Demi!”
11. He could never get over his jealousy about the pottery scene is “Ghost.”