When Hallie Haglund broke up with her boyfriend, she says it felt like “that party in college when I was dancing with a guy and the girlfriend I didn’t know existed threw a beer can at my head. Not only did it hurt, but I looked really, really stupid.”
In the midst of her breakup, she observed the five clichés of single people and they’re very, very funny:
Drink Your Sweet Booty Off.
“Don’t just drink alone, drink around people! You’ll probably say a lot of embarrassing shit, but you’ll also figure out who your true friends are. They’re the ones who didn’t ditch you at the bar when you were talking to a support beam you thought was a person. And if you’re worried about becoming an alcoholic, let me assure you: if you’re really meant to be an alcoholic, it’s going to happen anyway. Live it up while you can!”
Get a Cat.
“If a cat seems like too much, get a snake. If a snake is too much, get a fish. But if you kill that fish, give up. You don’t deserve to be loved.”
Post on Facebook ALL THE TIME.
“Even though they’re very small, those stupid “likes” — or better yet “comments” — people post when you put up that picture of you hugging a cute dog? They’ll make you feel like someone in the universe SEES you.”
Hook The Hell Up.
“Let people be as kind as they want to be. With their tongues. In your mouth, pervert. If you wanna go further, it’s your life. But since you’ve already got a lot to deal with, I recommend making decisions you’ll only mildly regret.”
Give All The Unsolicited Advice You Desire.
“Tell your friends to break up with their shitty boyfriends, tell them they shouldn’t get married without living alone at least once, hell, write a whole piece for a website about how to get over the thing you’re still trying to get over. Breaking up is kind of like food poisoning. You feel terrible, you puke, and then you feel a little better. Getting your feelings out is the puking part, which is all advice is, really, just not quite so smelly.”
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Read the rest of Ms. Haglund’s hilarious essay on The Hairpin. It will help you get over a breakup, lose those last stubborn 10 pounds, take you to the airport, and vacuum. That’s how good it is.