As my wise mother has literally said to me (ew), sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
But while it’s true that sex can boost your confidence and remind you that there are other people out there, it’s not always the case that getting under (or over, or next to, or in front of) someone else will make you feel better. You are working hard to bounce back! You’re going to therapy and yoga and karaoke and throwing yourself into your work and it’s EXHAUSTING, but this is your PROCESS (or so your yoga teacher tells you). You don’t want to accidentally have sex with someone else too soon and set yourself back. Who has time for that? You have things to do!
But how do you know if you’re ready? It’s different for everyone, but there are a few key signs that you need to relax, maybe watch Bridget Jones a few more times and just do you for a little longer.
1. There are approximately 4 songs that don’t make you cry.
The risk here is too great. THERE ARE SO MANY SONGS and it’s unlikely that someone is going to put on “The Safety Dance” to seduce you.
2. You only feel normal when you’re stone cold sober.
Are you normally a healthy drinker and can’t have a glass of wine without losing your shit? Not ready.
3. You only feel normal when you’re absolutely wasted.
Can’t stop thinking about your breakup when you’re out with friends unless you’re blasted? Not ready.
4. You’re convinced that no one can satisfy you like your ex.
Well not with that attitude! The stakes are high here because lackluster sex is a sure fire way to keep you longing for your ex. If you’re not open to the possibility that someone else can feel good in a way that may be different but is ALSO hot, the potential for disappointment and set back is too great. Wait it out a little longer. No one wants to have sex with someone who is thinking “I mean yeah, but anyone can do doggy style well. What else have you got?”
5. You just don’t have it in you to masturbate.
If you can’t get it up for yourself because you’re feeling too heartbroken, you sure as hell are not in a position to get it up for someone else.
6. Everything reminds you of your ex… And then you cry.
“But he ALSO had a tattoo of a word!”
“WE once ate sandwiches together!”
“He has a car, too! UGH I LOVED THAT CAR”
“She sometimes wears cardigans. I am just not in a place where I can see cardigans right now.”
7. You are suffering from post-breakup low confidence.
You’re fragile and that’s totally okay, but remember that letting someone new get naked with you vulnerable. When another human is involved, you have no idea how they’re going to react! If they can’t get it up, are you going to feel ugly and undesirable for weeks? Sex can be a huge ego boost, but doesn’t replace confidence in yourself. When you’re working on loving the beautiful god/goddess that is you sans your ex, you need to be in a place where you feel hot no matter what someone else’s expression is when you take off your clothes.
8. You only want to sleep with people who have the same name as your ex.
The reasons this is problematic are much less clear to someone who dated a Sarah or a Matt than to someone who dated a Zeke or…I don’t know…a Phylisa. Don’t limit yourself to people who remind you of your ex! It shrinks your pool of eligibles AND there is a lot of potential for a case of the sads. Plus, it makes brunch chats confusing. There’s a whole world out there!
9. All of your condoms expired in 2010.
You know what doesn’t make you feel good after heartbreak? Getting herpes. The end of a monogamous relationship may mean that you need to rethink safe sex. If you’re ready to sleep with someone, you’re ready to go buy some condoms or dental dams or whatever you need to have safe sex. The thought of it brings the crocodile tears? You’re not ready.