Chicago is the Most Heartbroken City in America

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If Elvis and the Eagles had recorded a song together, it might have been called “Heartbreak Hotel California” — which would also be a very appropriate title for this list of America’s 10 most heartbroken cities. Because with three major cities in the top 10, California is apparently just a big, old broken-hearts graveyard. Even still, it was the Windy City who earned top honors when it comes to soggy tissues and repeat viewings of The Break Up, which was set in, you guessed it, Chicago. Behind Chicago is Miami, New York, Riverside, Calif., Houston, Baltimore, Dallas, Los Angeles, Phoenix, and San Diego.

Of course, there’s no super-scientific way to actually measure heartbreak — “How many pints of Ben & Jerry’s did you eat in the past year?” is not on the U.S. Census Bureau survey — but an analyst at CreditDonkey (which is a real thing that does not have commercials with really annoying songs on TV) looked at some peripheral factors that helped her formulate the list. Among them were how long marriages last in each state; the number of dating services available in any given city (for scoping potential rebounds); how cities stacked up on the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, which measures things like a city population’s overall emotional health, physical health, and healthy behavior; and, naturally, gonorrhea rates.

Chicago did terribly on that last one — according to the CDC, Chicago had 150.5 cases per 100,000 people, compared to the national average of 121. So remember guys: the next time you cross paths with an alluringly depressed Chicagoan eating away a rough divorce, wrap it up first.