Breakups

Research Discovered That This Style of Engagement Ring Is the Most Likely to Lead to Divorce

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Undoubtedly rigorous science done by extremely legit-sounding UK website CompareJewellery.com claims to have found the unluckiest style of engagement ring. They “compared the style of rings worn by brides whose marriages ended in separation or divorce,” then had an artist combine the most common features of unlucky rings.

They discovered that the unluckiest rings had white gold bands, diamonds on the shoulder of the ring, and square cut stones. Which sounds like half the engagement rings I’ve ever seen.

There are, of course, a million problems with this “study.” The company spokesman himself admitted it’s a very popular style: maybe the most unions bound by this ring fail simply because a ton of people have this kind of ring? I failed algebra and even I can figure out that math.

But I have a more sinister suspicion, based entirely on personal taste and conjecture. What kind of guy buys the most generic ring imaginable for his bride-to-be? Who wants to propose with the most basic-ass, boring looking engagement ring possible? A guy who doesn’t know his fiancee, or doesn’t care to. If or when I get engaged, whatever poor dude who’s agreed to spend his life with me is sure as hell going to know exactly what kind of ring I like. He’s going to be bombarded with links, he’s going to be dragged into jewelry stores. You think I’m going to spend the next 40 years wearing a ring that I don’t like? Not happening.

So here’s my horrible guess: the marriages with The Worst Ring aren’t failing because of the ring. The ring is just the canary in the coal mine, and the marriages are ending because the couples don’t really know or understand each other. Or maybe women just don’t want to be married to men with shitty taste in jewelry. Sorry about your divorce, bearers of The Worst Ring outside of Middle Earth. Maybe next time think less Tiffany, more Etsy!

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