An Open Letter To Dr. Ruth For Making Watered-Down Wine

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Oh Dr. Ruth I love you. I love hearing old ladies say the word “vagina” with gusto! But wait. Now you’re making wine with less alcohol in it?

If [the woman] drinks too much, she falls asleep and if [the man] drinks too much, he can’t perform. It’s the same problem for gay couples. My idea is that just the right amount [of alcohol] will awaken your senses and arouse you.

[Left: Oh look! It’s me in college, drinking an entire bottle of Hot Damn. Guess what? I HAD SEX THAT NIGHT!] Most wine has an alcohol content of 13%, but your brand has just 6%.

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[Right: Oh look! Now I’m drinking wine from a water bottle — the 13% kind! Think it slowed me down?] Let me tell you what is wrong with that. If I’m not feeling the kick, I will drink more and more. So instead of one bottle (or whatever) I will have two bottles (or whatever x2.) And then you know why I won’t have sex? Because my boyfriend will look at me and be like “baby, your entire mouth/face region is stained. Take a shower.” And it won’t be a sexy shower, it will be a drunken-tear stained, wine coma shower — alone. Your wine is like Diet Wine and the people who would buy it are what is wrong with this country. People who cannot enjoy things in moderation. It’s why we’re all fat and addicted to The Real Housewives of Orange Countyand stressed and unable to go on vacation and in debt. I won’t put that Snackwells garbage in my mouth and I wouldn’t touch your wine with a nine-foot pole, either.

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I am begging you to stop this train. Take it back. If people cannot drink wine and enjoy their lives, then what is there left? Nothing for someone like me. [Left: Oh wow, I remember getting laid on New Year’s and I’m pretty sure I was drinking?]You know what you should have started selling? Really sexy-looking wine glasses that are a delicate, lady-like size. And you could have said. “Ladies, this is how much you should be drinking.”

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But you didn’t, and now I’m going to have to buy a Mega Gulp from 7-11 to drink your crappy alcohol. And believe me — if I were to buy it, I would. But instead I think  I’ll stick to the good stuff. When my parents are buying, I like a good Amarone, but now I’m really into this. Oh my God MMM yes, my mouth is watering. My boyfriend loves that wine, too. We drink it together before we make out n’stuff. Something I think, as a sex advisor, you should approve of.   Love, Lauren