Surprise! The most bewilderingly famous couple in America has chosen one of the most bewilderingly famous places in the world as their wedding venue. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West plan to tie the knot at the 331-year-old Palace of Versailles.
Careful analysis of history and sociology and economics proves that this was inevitable. Here are five empirically incontrovertible reasons why.
1. Kanye isn’t known for his struggles with self-esteem. In fact, West has called himself a god on multiple occasions. He’ll thrive at the home of Louis XIV. The Sun King, who was christened “God-given” at birth, believed that his power was divinely mandated, because of course he did. Kim’s been compared to Marie Antoinette, another famous resident of Versailles. Considering that — at least as of 2012 — Kardashian doesn’t know who Marie Antoinette is, her wedding could double as an overdue history lesson.
2. What do you get the man who has everything, except the one thing he can’t get enough of? I’m referring to himself, of course. The Palace’s Hall of Mirrors — which contains 578 of them — will show Kanye so many reflections of Kanye. Kanyes inside Kanyes next to other Kanyes. And the possibilities for mirror selfies are literally infinite.
3. West has said that he wants their ceremony to upstage the Royal Wedding. Versailles : Westminster Abbey :: a beautiful and perfect palace : hot, stinky garbage.
4. Kim dropped $10 million on her wedding to Kris Humphries in 2011, and that marriage lasted only 72 days. There is a direct correlation between how much more a bride spends on her second wedding and how much longer the second marriage lasts, according to scientists (probably, if I bothered to ask). If Kim wants to stay hitched to North’s daddy for a measly five years, the pair needs to rack up a $253 million bill. How better to accomplish that than with what may very well be the most expensive venue in the world?
5. The layout of the gardens and palace, as depicted here in a 1746 drawing, resemble a man with outstretched arms wearing a skirt. What if this person has been Kanye the whole time? There’s literally no way of knowing.