During last night’s Academy Awards ceremony, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emma Watson took the stage to present the Oscar for Best Visual Effects. They bowed chivalrously to each other, smiled for the camera, and — in doing so — broke the Internet. “JGL and Emma Watson” quickly started trending worldwide on Twitter. A photo JGL posted on Facebook of the pair goofing around backstage only added fuel to the fire. Suddenly, seemingly everyone was clamoring for the Don Jon director and Harry Potter alumna to couple up, with the collective emotional maturity of a four-year-old smushing two unclothed Barbies together and murmuring, “Noooooow kiss.”
Uh, why? Here is literally everything that JGL and Emma have in common, as far as you and I know: They’re famous. They have symmetrical faces, lustrous hair, and pretty clothes. They have more money in the bank than some banks. But, you guys, the same could be said of virtually every Oscars attendee. In fact, the most compelling attribute that Gordon-Levitt and Watson share is only more proof that they shouldn’t date: as far as we know, neither is single, and both are in relationships with people who don’t work in show business. All of this is also, I think, the slightest bit sexist: can’t a man and a woman enjoy a warm but purely platonic friendship?
Anyway, we should know better, if only because we’ve all had to contend with our share of incompetent aspiring matchmakers. Your aunt wants to give your number to her coworker because he happens to be roughly your age, and also one time he mentioned that he watched an episode of American Idol, which is a show she thinks she remembers that you watch, right? (Wrong. You watch The Voice.) “Oh, you’ll love him,” she says. “You’re both under 40. You eat food. You own phones!”
As The West Wing once taught us, if you don’t go to jury duty, you don’t get to complain about the O.J. verdict. Here’s my addendum: If you persist in shipping celebrities for no reason other than that you saw them standing within a few feet of each other one time, you don’t get to complain when someone does a horrible job setting you up.