In addition to being prettier, handsomer, slimmer, fitter, taller, richer, wittier, better smelling, silkier haired and worthier of divine bottle service in the afterlife than you, celebrities also have superior relationships. Just ask Nicole Kidman.
In Vanity Fair’s December cover story, Kidman gushed about her former marriage to Tom Cruise. Famous love, you see, is nothing like the shitty knockoff kind you and I buy in bulk at Wal-mart with our government-issued love stamps.
There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. …So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”
Except Cruise, of course, doesn’t sleep. He clenches his teeth, shuts his eyes and waits. Kidman, who tied the knot with America’s favorite(-ish) Scientologist at only 23, has since found not-as-famous-but-still-totally-famous love with Keith Urban.
America’s favorite(-ish) Australian country star appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Monday and chatted about his relationship with Kidman. He explained that the super-busy couple stays close mostly through phone calls, and “one cool, kinda, one of those kinds of texts a year.” What’s that, Keith? Oh, you know: “Nice sex texting.”
That’s right – N-Kid and K-Urbs totally sext, but only once a year. And they call it “sex texting,” like a local news anchor trying to scare your parents about what happens on your cell phone. We have one question: When? Have they chosen to observe an annual sexting holiday? Do they go with the obvious, like Valentine’s Day, or opt for the underrated sensual appeal of, say, a Labor Day?