Hollywood Life has just declared, “Miley Cyrus & Harry Styles: You Two Should Date.” Why, thank you Hollywood Life, for letting us, and of course, them know. Any other pressing, entirely off-the-mark suggestions you’d like to make? Should I adopt a few cats, eat two cheesecakes a night, and only leave my room to purchase Meow Mix? I think that would be about as appropriate a dating-advice-guide for a single person as the one proposed for Miley and Harry. Who, I must add, have altogether too similar coiffes to be suitably matched.
What are the main reasons these two should date, according to HL? Well, they’re “both single, … musical superstars and … appear to be crushing on each other.” And, most importantly, they could be each others’ dates for New Year’s. That’s a good idea. Start dating someone so you don’t have to be alone for the holidays. That always works out and never fails miserably. Not even once.
Let’s address the central three-point thesis: single, musical superstars, and appear to be crushing on each other. All three of these are not only flimsy arguments but also betray the problem inherent to Hollywood Life’s constant, “You Two Random Celebs, Date!” suggestions. Hollywood Life has for some unknown reason decided to embody the role of the cousin you never remember you have until family reunions, at which point, she accosts you with news about someone you should be dating. “And he’s single!” she’ll whisper-shout conspiratorially. Oh my lord. When you put it that way, why aren’t I dating him? He’s single?! I’m single too! The stars have aligned, and I’ll be married next year.
Just because two people are single does not mean they should date. People have weird things called personalities, interests, and backgrounds. A relationship can only work when these idiosyncrasies mesh. (And that doesn’t even account for the unexact physical science of whether or not these people fit your “type.”) So when suggesting a partner for someone, I think it would be a really helpful step in the right direction to stop announcing that they’re single, and therefore a fantastic match. It should be safe to assume that they’re single. Otherwise you wouldn’t offer them as an option, unless you have some sort of weird contract with Ashley Madison.
Next up is that both Miley and Harry are musical superstars who “know how hard it is to tour” and “have lots to commiserate about.” Hollywood Life clearly did not watch the Katy Perry documentary, Part of Me, or they would know that two touring schedules does not a holy union make. How many couples have to fall apart before it’s understood that musician-actor-comedian couples don’t work that well? Especially when both parties are at the height of their popularity and at the mercy of their managers. Again, see Part of Me, but I’ll summarize and tell you that musicians on insane schedules barely have time to eat much less fly across the country to hold hands — I’m sure that’s what they’ll be doing — for 20 minutes.
Also, the idea that they would “have lots to commiserate about” sounds depressing. Misery might love company, but the company isn’t good. Neither Miley nor Harry should saddle themselves with someone who’s going to complain about the same issues they have. It would get exhausting and boring.
Finally, Hollywood Life notes that they’re harboring crushes on one another. I’m sorry. I would hardly call Harry dressing up as VMAs Miley or Miley posing with a cardboard cutout of Harry proof that the two are “crushing on each other.” It seems more likely that they’re nudging each other in a way that says, “Look, this idiot is an even bigger idiot than me!” Also, Hollywood Life reported that Miley was in bed with the cardboard cutout of Harry as a funny birthday surprise for her kid sister, who loves One Direction. A burning display of passion it was not. And it seems like Harry has a bigger crush on Niall anyway. Where’s the suggestion they date?
Miley is just overcoming a rather large heartbreak, and Harry is a playah playing on. They would be completely awful together. Sorry, Hollywood Life. Try better next time. Actually, maybe it’s time to put this franchise on the deep freeze for good. Meddlesome cousins appear very rarely for a reason.