Celebrities

What Your Oscar Date Says About You

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Parker And Stone

It’s the most important night of your life: the night where you can be close enough to stroke Michael Fassbender’s ginger-beard, play tiddlywinks with Quvenzhané Wallis, or smell Oprah’s hair. Who you bring could make or break this experience. Here’s what your date decision says about you.

Your husband/wife: You’re so in love! Or like 2000 Hilary Swank, you could not give a fuck.

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Your mom: You’re sensitive and humble like Jordan Catalano.

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Your assistant: You have friends, oh you have friends! But they all happen to be unavailable at the moment. 

Your fiancé: You’re a good person, either that or a sociopath acting like a good person.

Your grandma: You love the feeling of an old, nervous, wrinkly hand in yours.

Your brother: You’re a daredevil humanitarian who likes to stir shit up.

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Your best friend: You like to stay true to your roots, but only if your roots don’t upstage you. Say hi to Busy Phillips.

Your gay best friend: You love loudly talking shit at fancy events.

No date: Like Beyoncé, you’re an #independentwoman. That, or celebrity has turned you into a shell of a human being with no friends. Except your agent.

Your agent: You have some personality issues, meaning: you don’t have one.

The guy you took Level 1 improv with who has a girlfriend: You want what you can’t have, and his name in Brendan and he wears ironic T’s.

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The girl who works behind the counter at Hale & Hearty: You know who your real friends are.

Your racist uncle: You thrive in uncomfortable situations.

Fonzworth J. BentleyYou’re the type of person who would send aspiring R&B hopefuls to trek across the Brooklyn Bridge to bring you an original Junior’s Cheesecake.

Your two small dogs: You may not be capable of love, but you do appreciate miniature tuxedos.

The bitchy girl who works in your local coffee shop: You want to be liked. Also you want to know who cuts her bangs because, damn.

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An OkCupid date: You’re #spontaneous.

The hot dad from the playground: You definitely don’t have daddy issues, you just objectively appreciate the way his Baby Bjorn fits against his pecs.

Your high school teacher who said you wouldn’t amount to anything: Vengeance and redemption are two major themes in your life.

A muppet: You’ve definitely got some childhood issues you’re working through, but who cares because you have money, right? Beautiful, beautiful money that will never leave you.

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Your sexy urologist: You’re bold, brash and ready for them to check out your pee-hole in a non-medical environment.

Your building handyman: You like to be stood up.

A Native American woman named Sacheen Littlefeather: You’re a disturbed movie star from 1973.

Your next door neighbor who always tells you to turn your music down: You want to show him how to get turnt up.

That guy who dresses up as Spiderman on Hollywood Boulevard: You love drama.

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Your Junior High drama coach: You don’t forget the little people, besides Butch seems like a guy who likes to party.

An escort: You’ve hit rock bottom, and it smells like Juicy Couture body splash.