Do you ever lay awake at night asking yourself, “Why am I single? Is it because I’m too picky? Because I’m constantly ‘in transition?’ Because I have unrealistic standards? Or because I really just haven’t found ‘the one’?”
Well, according to Twitter, it’s probably because your breath stinks.
#ThatsWhyURSingle has been trending recently and every Tweeter with a smartphone and two thumbs has an opinion. Most of this stuff is pretty shallow, but some of it’s pretty funny and — who knows — there may even be a kernel of truth in the random tweets of the masses.
1. Bad Breath
Seriously, this was one of the most common reasons cited for singlehood on Twitter today. Is this really such a huge problem? Is routine teeth-brushing and regular gum chewing not enough? Do we need to spread the gospel of the South Korean Kiss Apples some more?
2. Too Eager/Clingy
The experts and the Twitterati agree on this one. Too much, too soon, too often will leave you lonely.
I waded through a lot of sad, angry tweets from lovers done wrong. Infidelity is rampant out there, apparently.
I’d have to see some rock solid data before I could get behind the notion that promiscuous people are less likely to find long term relationships. I suspect that this “reason you’re single” might just be what that kids call “trash talking.”
4. Poor Eyebrow Maintenance
I knew it! I’m investing in a pair of tweezers tonight.
5. Using annoying catchphrases/outdated slang
Yeah. I don’t think I could date a woman who said “Whaaaazzzzzup!” all the time or ordered me to talk to her hand when she was upset.
6. Immaturity/Wearing The Wrong Undies
Don’t worry. They’re not talking about Yosemite Sam, because he’s hilarious. “My biscuits are burnin’!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So good.
7. You Don’t Return Texts (And Then You Tweet For All To See)
BUSTED! It’s true though. This does make you seem sketchy and untrustworthy, even if, in reality, you’re just absent-minded.
8. No One’s Good Enough For You
Most tweets of this type were of the of the “You think ur all that but ur not” variety, but this one is actually kind of sweet. Like that Sarah Maclachlan song.
9. You Should Be One Way, But You’re Another
A number of tweets regarding your single status implied that it may be because you seem like you should be one way, then turn out be another. “UR hot but you have the mind of a ten year old” was another favorite along these lines.
10. No Reason, Really
So, I’m single because the Tony the Tiger still exists? Why can’t he just let me be happy?