Class Acts

10 Things To Never Ask A Bisexual Woman (That People Have Actually Asked Me)

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As a conversational topic, sex is about as shocking as discussing the weather. This is especially true in a city like New York, where everyone is, essentially, just too busy to care about each others’ sex lives. However, if there is one player in the dating world that is revered, it is the bisexual woman.

Nearly every show has had (or does have) some sort of lesbian plotline, from ‘tween’ programs on ABC Family to the absurd vampires‐with‐no‐body‐hair‐and‐ washboard‐abs of True Blood. When it comes to women sleeping with women, we all seem to be interested.

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While I do get excited when I see female sexuality represented with an air of fluidity in popular culture, I find it also opens the door to some insensitivity, or at the very least flippancy, when it comes to talking about queer women and intimacy. (NOTE: I use the term “queer” here to allow access to those who dislike the word “bisexual”. In my personal life, I like “bisexual” just fine, however, not everyone does.)

In the spirit of the television show that is my dating life—a show with the lowest viewer ratings on any network—I will share my list of the 10 most thoughtless, ridiculous, or unnecessary questions I am asked about sleeping with women.

1

Are women better kissers?

Well, I mean, kissing women is better than kissing donkeys (I would imagine). I mean, it depends. So I suppose the answer is yes.

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2

Do you watch Ellen?

Sure, sometimes when I am home at 4pm on a weekday, probably because I am sick in bed. Also, she is funny. I don’t watch Ellen in order to feel connected to another human being by way of us both making‐out with the ladies.

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3

Would you rather be at a gay bar?

While some women might answer “yes” to this question, I think the purpose of a bar is to drink alcohol and converse. Therefore, I could be drinking at a bat mitzvah and I would feel right at home. Mazel Tov to me! That said, asking this out of genuine interest in making those around you feel comfortable can be a sweet thing to do, I suppose.

4

Are you a lipstick lesbian?

This term sucks so hard, I cannot even begin to summarize. Just think about how stupid it is, take a deep breath, and erase it from your vocabulary. Forever.

5

Do you have a lot of threesomes?

Probably not more than you, depending on who I am in a relationship with and what we are comfortable with as a couple. Bisexual women are capable of being in committed, monogamous relationships, wherein the day‐to‐day activity does not look like a scene from Wild Things.

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6

Don’t women compete and get jealous of each other when they date?

All relationships are subject to competition. Assuming two women are weak enough to get petty with one another just because men think that’s what women do is naïve and sexist. If you care about someone, it feels good when they kick ass. So just keep your head down, buddy, because right now some woman at your job is outworking you, just minutes away from that corner office.

7

Do you hate men?

No. I don’t. At all. I love men. I just hate this question, no matter who asks it.

8

When women use a strap­on, does that mean they miss men?

Just because I am turned on when I put my fingers in some hottie’s mouth doesn’t mean I secretly still suck my thumb. One doesn’t have to do with the other. All hail sex toys!

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9

Wait, technically, do you do to have “sex”?

If air quotes accompany the word “sex” when this question is asked, that makes it extra insulting. Firstly, I don’t go around asking you how often you and your partner have sex, and I don’t ask what positions are most common in your bedroom, and I don’t ask what your husband’s penis looks like, and I don’t ask if your wife is noisy. So, in short, it is none of your f*cking business. To expand, sex has many definitions, and if you think the only acceptable one goes something like man‐puts‐penis‐inside‐woman’s‐vagina, you are only kidding yourself. What are we, robots? Well, I mean, Brangelina is a probably a robot, but the rest of us are humans, right?

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10

In the relationship, who’s the man?

This is the big one, folks. The ultimate question I am most often asked, and the one that really baffles the shit out of me. And, after all these years, I can simply answer: No one. No one is the man. We are both women. That’s kind of the point.

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