The Last Single Girl In the Bible Belt: 5 Reasons My Mom Wishes I Had a Boyfriend

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My mother has been known to drop a not-so-subtle hint or two about her distaste with my singledom. Maybe she thinks she’s serving as a motivator — or maybe she’s just plain tired of dealing with me. My mom married when she was in her teens, so watching me “struggle alone” hasn’t been easy for her. Here are the top five reasons why I think she wants me to have a boyfriend:

1. Valentine’s Day

If Valentine’s Day is hard for singles, it’s even harder for their parents who have to assume all the responsibilities of a boyfriend. My mother sends me chocolate, flowers, cards, and once, a Now That’s What I Call Music CD to compensate for the loneliness she evidently thinks pours over me on Singles Awareness Day. A lot of thought goes into those gifts and she’s ready to hand over the responsibility.

Related: The 9 Most Annoying Things Said to Single People

2. Timeshares at Myrtle Beach

Other than the occasional dinners where a friend picks up the tab, I pay for myself. And since I’m a recent grad-school grad (read: unemployed), that really means my parents are paying for me. If I had a boyfriend, my mother’s paychecks could go towards getting a timeshare at Myrtle Beach instead of feeding me.

Related: How to Deal: “All My Friends Are Married Or In Relationships”

3. No more phone calls

I’ll be the first to admit my mom is number one on my speed dial. Most of the time when I call her, it’s because I have reached my daily TV limit or need to kill a a few minutes until it’s socially acceptable to go to sleep. She knows everything I do on a daily basis, from breakfast to bedtime, and she doesn’t even have to ask! How lucky is she?! Not very, because my phone calls are now screened.

Related: This Is NOT Why You’re Single

4. To determine my “type”

Since I’ve never dated and kept my crushes hidden better than Anthony Weiners’ naughty tweets, she has no idea what kind of guy I go for. And without the vital information of what kind of guy I’m attracted to, she has no idea of where to start looking for my future boyfriend. She also may think my “type” is girls, so knowing I like beards on a guy’s face may help her sleep a little better at night.

5. To avoid the truth

As I mentioned above, on top of being single, I’m also unemployed. What’s she supposed to tell her friends about me first — that I can’t seem to find a man or a job? If I had a boyfriend, she could just sidestep that whole unemployment issue altogether. Telling friends your single daughter finally has a boyfriend is much juicier than telling them she’s gotten a job that pays minimum wage and has no benefits.

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Courtney is one of the last single girls in the Bible Belt. She blogs about it here, and you can follow her on twitter here.