Sometimes the weekends of a singleton are filled up with plans and friends. Then there’s the other 51 weeks of the year when Saturday looks like this:
7:30 am – Wake up with an ambitious attitude in the hopes of conquering everything that’s been put off for the past month.
7:40 am – Realize that nobody will recognize your productiveness and immediately go back to bed.
9:45 am – Awaken for the second time and coax yourself into trading pajama pants for jeans.
9:50 am – Decide jeans aren’t slimming and put on Spanx, tights, and a skirt. Go to coffee shop with a pretentious book to impress any knowledgeable male there.
10:45 am – Begin to get hungry and crave something that requires no effort on your part. Text as many friends as possible to get brunch.
11:00 am – Leave coffee shop in anger that no friends have responded to your text yet. Begin formulating ideas of the fun they are having without you.
11:10 am – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
11:15 am – Still no texts. Decide to go on a diet.
Noon – Opt to start diet on Monday and order a pizza as one last hoorah.
1 pm – Receive text from friend apologizing for not responding about brunch earlier because she was “running errands with the husband.”
2:30 pm – Put in The Holiday. Begin wondering if you’re more of a Kate or a Cameron.
2:45 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
3:30 pm – Start a Tumblr dedicated to quoting romantic comedies.
4 pm – Respond to text with a passive aggressive “It’s OK” and vow to never run errands or speak to married people again.
4:15 pm – Movie ends. So does your hope of ever finding a significant other.
4:20 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
4:45 pm – Phone rings for first time today. It’s your mom, giver of all good pep talks.
5 pm – Try to decide on a healthy snack and end up choosing Swedish Fish. (They’re fat free!)
5:10 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
5:15 pm – Check bank account and make a decision to treat yourself. Head for the mall.
5:30 pm – Visit Anthropologie. Look at lots of clothes and are reminded you have more of a Gap budget.
5:45 pm – Realize you don’t feel like trying on any clothes and settle for a treat from Starbucks.
6 pm – Receive a text from a friend asking you go to out around 10 pm. Elation ensues. Somebody loves you!
7 pm – Begin getting ready to go out by taking a long shower, even sparing the time to shave your legs.
7:30 pm – Apply makeup, using all of your good stuff.
8 pm – Dry your hair and tease it up because nobody likes bland hair.
8:30 pm – Start choosing an outfit.
9 pm – Come to the conclusion that you have nothing to wear and can no longer go out. Tears containing wasted makeup stream down your face and onto your silky legs.
9:05 pm – Text your friend to tell her you’re feeling sick and can’t come out tonight, hoping she doesn’t ask what kind of illness you’ve developed.
9:30 pm – Begin picking up every piece of clothing that was flung from your closet and organizing it. Notice you don’t feel like doing that and go to the TV instead.
9:35 pm – Find an episode of Gossip Girl to watch. It’s the one show you can actually relate to.
10 pm – Check Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.
10:05 pm – Cut the lights out, it’s time to sleep.