Remember being young and immature and only being able to talk about sex through abstract baseball metaphors? Heh heh, good thing we never do anything like THAT anymore, right?
Ok, actually, we do still use baseball metaphors, more often that you’d think. And you know what? We’re not even ashamed. We are in America: Puritanism and baseball run strong through our veins. Using the great game of baseball, with all its adrenaline and expectations and excitement and strike-outs and hope and, uhm, balls, as a way to express our sexual endeavors is ingrained in the psyche of every young kid who grew up under the red, white and blue. Let’s leave blatant sex talk to the French, shall we?
Some Adult Baseball Vocab
Home Game: n. Sex that occurs in your apartment.
Ex: Bob’s recent series of home games led his roommate to purchase earplugs.
Away Game: n. Sex that occurs at someone else’s apartment.
Ex: Lynn always kept a change of clothes at work, in case of any unexpected away games the night before.
Casey At The Bat: Erectile Dysfunction.
Ex: Lynn: So how’d it go with Bob last night?
Sheri: God, not good. Everything was going fine and then, just when it mattered most: Casey at the bat…
Bats For Both Teams: Bisexual.
First Base: Kissing
Second Base: Fondling. (Note: Probably the least celebrated and referred-to base ever.)
Third Base: Fondling…with your mouth.
Fifth Base: How to put this delicately…the, uh, final frontier.
Vanilla Slump: n. A succession of bad dates. Or bad sex. Or both.
Have additions to our list? Leave them in the comments, and we’ll publish them all in a follow-up post!