8 Dating Apps That Seriously Creep Us Outby J. Adamiak on April 30, 2013
Who wouldn’t want to crack the code for using technology to find love and romance? Hundreds of app-makers had the same thought, and have been busy churning out products guaranteed to find you that truly romantic experience (or even that incredible hookup). The only problem? Most of them fail miserably.
Consider yesterday’s news that Bang with Friends, a Facebook app, had just raised $1 million in seed funding. Its mission? To enable its 750,000 users to connect with Facebook friends they’d like to screw on the DL. Feel the romance!
Below are seven more apps that will inspire you to stick to the dating sites of yore.
1. Hot or Not
You have to hand it to Hot or Not (which of course is based on the age-old website of the same name) for its straightforward approach. This Facebook app — which includes a “find hotties” search feature — distills the elaborate mating dance into one simple formula: “Would you have sex with me? Ok then; let’s date!” It’s the perfect setup, as long as you’re willing to base your entire decision to date a person on his or her Facebook photos.
On the Rebound alerts you the second a Facebook friend you’ve been crushing on becomes single — so when the hot girl in 4B breaks up with her longterm boyfriend at 8:17, you can be there to comfort her at 8:20. Unfortunately, the creators haven’t figured out how to filter out single buddies you don’t want to sleep with, such as exes…or family members. (Also, even assuming it EVER works, you are literally condemning yourself to be someone’s rebound. Good luck with that.)
Originally created so lonely bachelors could design a “perfect” fake girlfriend to leave adoring messages on their Facebook walls, Cloud Girlfriend now functions as a virtual dating world in which users can anonymously role play romantic scenarios of their choice. The tagline? “It’s free, unlike your last date!” (…Um, you mean that date with a flesh and blood human being?)
You can’t argue with empirical evidence: Flavor Connect matches future lovers based on their favorite candy flavors. (Yes, really.) It’s hard to decide which is more perplexing: the app’s design (reminiscent of Lisa Frank stationary), or the cryptic testimonials on its website, such as “I was actually able to find my current boyfriend using Flavor Connect’s Vanilla/Fidelity flavor!” Wha??
Remember those boxed K-Mart Valentines you passed out in elementary school? Valentine Camera+ brings back the, er, magic of your childhood. Here’s how it works: take a photo of you and your Valentine, then use the app to adorn it with oodles of red hearts, roses, and…sunflowers. Just so your date knows you’re serious.
In case we aren’t neurotic enough about sex, there’s the iPhone app Passion. With the help of your phone’s microphone and accelerometer, it rates your sexcapades on a scale from 1 to 10. Not feeling sufficiently inadequate? Go ahead, compare your performance to that of Passion’s other users. Also, it requires that you have your phone on and ACTIVELY LISTENING TO YOU during sex.
Ladies and gentlemen, we save you the best for last: why sext a simple penis pic when you can send a photo of your member in a sombrero? Yep, that’s right: DICKORATE lets users photograph their package, then dress it up with hats, mustaches, and other adornments. We foresee not one scenario in which using this app could go well.