I’m a standup comedian, and I’ve dated standup comedians. *barfs on self*
Actually, it’s not so bad. If you’re thinking about dating the self-effacing lunatic in the spotlight, here are some things you should know…
We are obsessed with our Twitter accounts for two reasons.
1. It’s the first line of defense against bad jokes — if we don’t get retweeted, we abort the joke before it ever gets the chance to breathe in the stale open mic night air, and 2. A good Twitter account could make us famous. Happens all the time. Well, sometimes. Not that often, exactly, but let a tweeting chubster dream, son.
You will hear the same jokes o’er and o’er.
It is 100 percent false that funny people don’t have to work on their jokes. Every setup and punchline can be told a million different ways — and you’ll probably hear all of them. The bright side: You’re not expected to laugh every time.
The weekends are your friend.
Open mic nights are usually on weeknights, when clubs don’t have major shows booked. Unless your sweetie is sort of super famous — bookin’ those hot weekend gigs—he/she will be running around like a sweaty chicken during the weekdays, and ready for LURVE on Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday afternoon… if you haven’t kicked ’em out yet.
Please don’t say this immediately after one of our shows:
“You killed it! Except that one joke…” For some reason, everyone in this God forsaken version of infinite realties thinks the best way to compliment a comedian is top off praise with one piece of “constructive criticism.” Please, lover, don’t! Just let us have our moment in the sun, and bring in the shit clouds tomorrow.
We’re super jazzed about dating you.
You may think that standups need to be single and/or generally miserable to collect material — and this doesn’t jibe with being in a healthy relationship. But guess what! We can find misery in anything, and we’re extremely proud to have one thing in our lives that doesn’t revolve around a windowless basement and a two drink minimum.
You can and should ask us about our jokes.
Some of our material is going to make you wonder, “Is that actually true???” or “If that’s true, what does that say about our relationship?” Feel free to ask. In fact, it’ll probably lead to great relationship discussions; you’ll be dispelling elephants in the room like you’re some sort of professional elephant murderer, in a good way. And if your sweetie replies to your questions with, “Geez, it was just a joke,” you’re not only dating a comic, you’re also dating an asshole.
Write us a love letter… on a receipt!
Scraps of paper, in our bags, in our wallets, in our pockets, everywhere. Our jokes, our thoughts, our notes, all on scraps of paper. It’d be thrilling to wade through a pile of half-baked punchlines and discover a love note from you. ;]
Standup is not as hard as it looks.
I dated a standup before I did standup, and I worshipped the ground he deemed worthy of his dumb hipster shoes. Sure, standup isn’t easy, but it’s not the hardest thing in the world. Statistics. Running. Writing a book. Applying nail stickers. All harder. Point is: Your sweetie isn’t a god. Don’t let ’em act like a diva, and you may actually have an super fun relationship on your hands.
Emily Winter can’t hear you over the sound of all these motorcycles and barbershop quartets. Follow her on Twitter @EmilyMcWinter