Today is September 3rd, 2013 and we are officially breaking up with people on Vine. Or more specifically, this guy Vined his breakup, got smacked in the head for it, then posted it to Reddit where it immediately blew up.
Hey, look, I love using social media to connect to all you beautiful people out there, and there’s certainly nothing more relatable than going through a break up – but is nothing sacred? We can’t seem to drink an expensive cup of cappuccino without sharing it with the world, so I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising that someone would want to be able to immediately give a “can you believe this shit?” eyeroll to his entire network of friends while getting dumped in his car.
So is this a glimpse at the future of breaking up? Why send a Dear John letter when you can Vine it? As social media and technology progresses, so do our methods for ending a relationship in more creative and avoidant ways.
So here is where I predict the future of break ups is going:
1. The Google Glass Break Up
We’ll all be able to see this happening from the POV of the dumper – or worse, the dumpee. It’ll be kind of like the world’s worst first-person shooter game.
2. The Hologram Dumping
A good way to avoid getting smacked in the head for inappropriate Instagram flirting. It’s still avoidant like an phone call but there’s a bit more dignity to it because you’re still doing it face to face, technically.
3. The Personal Robot Break Up
I’m assuming we will all have our own personal robots in the future, so I suspect the Post-It note break up equivalent of 2050 will be the robot break up. There’s a knock at your pod door, you answer it – or rather, your personal robot does, and there is your boyfriend’s robot with some bad news. Plus they deliver the news that “Aiden wishes to see other humans” in those flat, affectless little voices. They’re so lucky they don’t have feelings.
4. The Space Dump
This is when you’ve been dumped by someone who lives in the same space community that’s orbiting Mars that you live in and you have to see them ALL the time because there are only like 150 of you total.
5. The Download Dumping
This’ll be really big when we finally just embed a tiny computer chip directly into our brains so you can just download the info that you’re breaking up with your boyfriend directly to his brain. We will have ceased using speech to communicate by then anyway so it won’t be considered rude or inappropriate, it’ll be considered normal. Just as normal as the fact that you’ve never actually met, you just liked each other’s BrainStagrams so much you were basically a couple.