With St. Patrick’s Day coming up, we’ve been talking a lot about drinking and dating. So now I’m going to tell you the story of one of those times. This is the tale of my most memorable online date of all time. Memorable, horrible, hilarious … it’s all the same when you’re talking dating stories, right?
It was almost two years ago, exactly. I’d just joined a dating site for the first time — you know, all my friends were doing it. I got a message from someone who seemed smart, articulate, good-looking and met my minimum height requirement. We quickly made plans to meet for brunch that Sunday.
He suggested a place in his neighborhood. I was meeting friends at a nearby bar later in the afternoon to watch March Madness games — it was down to the Elite Eight, I think — and I figured if it went well, I’d invite him to come along. We’d both gone to Big 10 schools and were rooting for the same teams.
Just as I was about to walk out the door, he texted saying that he’d spontaneously gone to brunch with his roommates earlier. The rest of his crew was on their way out but he had a great table outside and I should come meet him.
Red flag #1.
Being new to this whole dating thing and a fan of al fresco dining, I thought nothing of it.
Then, I got there. This was less a brunch spot and more a sports bar. In fact, I think the most “brunchy” item on the menu was a burger with an egg on it.
Red flag #2.
I went to find him outside, and there he was, sitting at a table with three other girls. His roommates. They’d just ordered another round of mimosas and had two full pitchers of beer on the table. It looked like they’d been comfortable there for a while, and it didn’t seem like anyone was going anywhere.
Red flag #3.
I awkwardly sat down next to the gentleman I was there to meet. He lifted his sunglasses to greet me and his eyes were barely open. This guy was wasted. Sh*t-face wasted. At 1pm. The whole table was. His word were slurred, his sentences slow and having a coherent conversation was impossible. Even better, his lady roommates — all three of them — were trying to “coach” him through the date. Loud whispers of “Eat a stick of gum, you have bad breath!” and “Put your sunglasses back on!” and “Pour her a beer!” were coming from all directions. It was like a sitcom.
Red flag #4.
This is when I should have said, “Oh hell no” and high-tailed it out of there. But realizing the rarity of a big table at an outdoor sports bar during March Madness, I made a plan. I figured they were drunk enough to not last it through both those pitchers, so I invited my friends (who were at a bar a few doors down, because that’s how you do it when you’re new to online dating) to come meet me, figuring we’d take over their table, relax in the nice weather and enjoy some NCAA basketball. I’d given up on this date less than five minutes into it.
Within 10 minutes, my friends had arrived. Now it’s four of us and four of them. My plan’s working as his female friends, much more tuned-in, take their cue and realize this date’s a lost cause. They try to take him home. He gets upset and starts asking me what he’s doing wrong and why I wont give him a chance. He goes to pour me a beer (even though the one he’d just poured a few minutes earlier was still full) and spills an entire pitcher all over me. On my lap, on my shirt — it even got in my purse.
I’d say this is Red Flag #5, but you can’t even call them flags anymore.
At this point, he gets kicked out of the bar. I go to my friend’s car to change clothes (thank god for friends who keep full outfits in their trunk at all times), come back and learn that the bartender, upon hearing this story, gave us an afternoon of drinks on the house. We watched the games, end up meeting some cool guys we knew through a mutual friend and all-in-all, had a decent afternoon.
Around 9p.m. that evening, I got a text from the date. “Wow. Just woke up. Super hungover. Sorry I was wasted. But I think I deserve a do-over. Meet me for drinks Tuesday?”
So now, we ask you: