Have You Experienced FOBU? 6 Readers Share Their Storiesby HowAboutWe on April 09, 2013
Last week, we coined the term “FOBU” (Fear of Breaking Up). Since then, we’ve had an outpouring of responses from people looking to share their FOBU stories. Here are a few of the most poignant from around the web.
1. [FOBU] is how I ended up marrying my first (and so far only) husband. We were *so* not right for each other…but we were young and both of us were scared of being alone. We constantly fought over every minute detail. We bought a house together and I had relocated cities to be with him. Instead of growing a pair of metaphoric balls and dealing with the “messiness” of calling off the wedding, I walked down the aisle knowing I shouldn’t. Our marriage was miserable…constant fighting, emotional/verbal abuse, a messy divorce. Thankfully, there are no children involved. Hindsight…
2. I have a #FOBU story. I just separated from my husband a few weeks ago. We’ve been together for over six years, but married for three. I started dating him right after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, so I never took a break in between relationships. Despite being in a new relationship, it took me over two years to get over my ex. On top of that, I always felt like I had to take care of everything and do everything. However, at the time, I had adopted some of his mannerisms and was in love, though in the back of my mind, I really wanted to leave him. We were happy the first eight months of marriage, but after he got fired from his job, the relationship went South. Last year, he was paralyzed on his right side from the high blood sugar he didn’t know he had. If he had taken better care of his finances instead of letting me do everything, I would have taken him to the doctor to prevent all of this from happening. The relationship was pretty much over after that, but I couldn’t leave him because I was unemployed at the time. A year later, I took some money from our tax refund and moved out. I had had enough. Yes, it’s extremely painful right now because I don’t like being alone. However, I had to do it to save myself.
3. I went through this with my college boyfriend. I had a deep-down feeling that we weren’t right together, but I loved him, and was afraid I wouldn’t find anyone else who would love me back (…he might have contributed to that feeling, blech). We broke up twice, but got back together within a month or two because I couldn’t handle being on my own. After 4 years of dating, I finally bit the bullet and decided I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than miserable with somebody. (I have a girlfriend who is also dating someone who isn’t good for her…she’s made mention to the fact that she doesn’t want to be over 30 and single again. We’ve essentially lost our friendship over it because I’ve told her that it isn’t worth it. FOBU is a sucky thing.)
4. I wish I had read [about FOBU] years ago. I married that guy…we have a daughter and are now divorced. I had doubts before we got married, but we were on that path. My whole family now admits that they didn’t like him from the get go, but nobody spoke up. I’m not sure if I would have listened, and I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything, but I’ll do my best to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistake I made. Alone is so much better than being with the wrong guy.
5. I know two couples getting married this summer, and IMO, they’d rather settle with someone that they constantly complain about than break up and find someone else. After incessant b*tch fests about their significant others, I ask why they’re even still together. The answer? “Well, I’ve been with this person for X years. We’re supposed to get married.” Sounds like a miserable life to me. I was very much like that with my first boyfriend, because we were very serious about each other and together for almost four years. We even went to couples therapy, which didn’t help, but he still wanted to get married despite a LOT of issues we had. I stopped and thought, “If it’s this hard now, how hard will it be if we’re married, if we have kids, etc.?!” After sitting at my office and crying all day, I figured being single was much better than being that miserable. I went home and broke up with him and felt back to my old (happy) self less than a week later. Now, I’m dating an absolutely wonderful man and can’t wait to be his wife! I shudder to think at what would have happened if I had married my ex.
6. It all started when I was 15, I met this older bad boy named…Brad. I fell head over heels and basically into a puddle of mud. We were on and off for the course of 4+ years. We were an amazing team together; just not romantically fit for one another. He did a lot of sneaky things and I would lash out at him in hopes of him breaking up with me. When he would break it off, I’d come crawling back for another round. I finally had enough balls to kick him to the curb.. Until I met a guy who broke my heart worse than the first one did, and I went running back as if I was trying to place first in a triathlon. The next run we had was absolutely beautiful (or so I convinced myself at the time) and I was 100% ready to commit. I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and Crohns Disease that year and he decided that he couldn’t handle all of that and flew the coop.
I was so distraught for months. I barely went anywhere and when I did, I felt even more depressed because I felt like I lost my best friend, confidant, and none of the other guys seemed to compare.
Brad and I sat down recently and we both actually admitted that a year and a half into our relationship we both suffered from FOBU and stayed together for more than 3+ years. We stayed together out of fear of losing one another as a friend, but 7 years later, we’re still friends. Ladies and gents… My advice to you all is that when your gut tells you something is wrong.. RUN!!! I’m so incredibly happy since I got over my FOBU. I have an incredible man named Tyler in my life who accepts me and my health condition. We have our two dogs, pygmy chameleons, a ferret, turtles, fish, and are currently planning out our dream house. Which will of course be filled with babies and fur babies. I can finally say I love my life and I am 100% satisfied. I can’t wait to be his Mrs. It’s funny how all that anxiety and depression went away ;)
- Christina (submitted via email)
Think you might also have FOBU? Here are 10 signs to watch out for.