Facebook is a lot like that dude you dated whose conversational repertoire consisted entirely of Wedding Crashers quotes; sure, he’s profoundly irritating, but you just can’t resist him (we don’t blame you; Vince Vaughn exerts a powerful and mysterious pull). And so it goes with everybody’s favorite social networking site: no matter how many annoying features they add, we’ll always go crawling back to them when we’re drunk. But our love-hate relationship has been tested yet again with their newest addition; the top right corner of your FB newsfeed now not only broadcasts your pals’ birthdays, engagements, and nuptials, but also which of them is expecting a kid. This discovery prompted us to A: sink to our knees and cry out “AH, THE HUMANITY!” and B: come up with 10 other life events we think Facebook should be covering. Get on this shit, Zuckerberg.
1. Eric Luther…got to third base with a random stranger he picked up at a bar and now has at least 2 (but possibly more) incurable STDs.
2. Katie Murphy…just parallel parked like a BOSS and will be doing victorious hip-thrusts for the remainder of the hour.
3. Evan Bergstein…consumed his own weight in buffalo wings and didn’t even throw up once. Unless you count that in-the-mouth gag. Which he doesn’t.
4. Kelsey Parker…accidentally dropped her phone into a vat of jungle juice. Please send her your number (and a check for $200, so that she can buy a new phone).
5. Greg O’Brien…broke up with Talia because she is a cheating bitch. Talia, you absolute whore. How dare you.
6. Stephanie Black…adopted a one-eyed cat named Mr. Cuddlesworth and gave up on ever finding love.
7. Chris Fay…resolved to go to the gym 4 times a week (unless he is tired, or there is something good on TV, or his roommate offers to share that Chipotle gift card).
8. Lea Schiller…is officially underemployed as Baby Gap’s newest cashier! In unrelated news, she is also on suicide watch.
9. Will Goodson…spent yet another riveting evening watching soft-core porn and eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
10. Brooke Walters…is in Vegas. If you receive a drunk text from her in the next 72 hours, please disregard it. Unless you are Ben Thomas, in which case, she’ll be waiting naked in the decorative fountain at the Bellagio.