You kids think you invented sex. Well, in some cases, you kind of did. We combed Google Patents, which indexes millions of patents and official patent applications from the United States and Europe, in search of the most unusual sex-related inventions in existence. (Believe it or not, four of these ten applications were actually granted patents — see if you can guess which.)
US 8313424 B2: “Sex toy”
The pivotal attachment of the dildo to the shaft facilitates vaginal and anal insertion of the dildo by a user. The configuration of the sex toy is easy to use while increasing the level of stimulation.
Insert the dildo as you would normally, then use the handle for leverage to control penetration. Basically, a sexual pogo stick.
US 6694980 B2: “Prophylactic garment system for safer sex”
The undergarment contains at least one pocket that may contain condoms, flavored gels, lubricants, or any other sexual aids, and that may also includes an informational brochure that may discuss safer sex practices or STD information…
Do you know how many precious hours of your life you’ve wasted removing your underpants before sex? A lot. You’ve wasted a lot of them. Thanks to US 6694980 B2 — which features “an opening which is appropriately placed to allow for sexual contact while the undergarment is worn” (i.e., a hole) — your life could change for the better. Plus, the underwear’s pockets contain a pamphlet about safe sex, a condom, and lube, available in flavors ranging from “SassyBerry” to “Popthatcherry.” Really.
EP 2636398 A1: “A stimulator for oral sex”
…the overall small size only occupies a little space within the mouth cavity without affecting the motions in the course of oral sex.
Though it’s unclear how many dentists out of ten would approve, this device is essentially a mini-vibrator for the mouth. Also, a vaginal snorkel?
US 20120006334 A1: “Rotating sex machine”
Sex is one of mankind’s ultimate forms of natural pleasure and is also crucial for mankind’s survival. In fact, if we Google the words ultimate pleasure, we will see that all references will be about sex and intimacy… What is needed is a device that will allow the couple to perform a rotational sex, although in a reversed role, efficiently and comfortably even if the couple is not athletic. This will be revolutionary for mankind.
“Ultimate pleasure” indeed. Ladies are invited (presumably by a mad scientist with questionable personal hygiene) to lie down on US 20120006334 A1, which swings on a rotational axis to heighten stimulation during intercourse. It looks like a carnival ride that has never undergone a safety inspection of any kind. Or a nightmare drawn on a cocktail napkin at a bar at an airport Hilton.
US 5620429 A: “Feminine napkin allows external sexual intercourse”
A round bag is attached to the front side of the napkin. The bag is in the size and shape of the vagina to give the husband the same sexual feelings.
Oh, US 5620429 A, you are a doctoral dissertation in Gender Studies waiting to happen. Let’s review a few of the assumptions about sex that underlie this patent.
- The only conceivable sexual partner for a woman to have is a husband.
- It is literally impossible for a woman to have sex during her period.
- Husbands are more likely to cheat during their wives’ periods, and this “affects family relations.”
- It is a wife’s duty to “give her husband full sexual enjoyment at any time he wishes.”
A disposable bag designed to resemble the vagina — “with all of its details including the hymen” — is attached with an adhesive to the woman’s pad, so that her husband can go about his business as usual. Also: When the weather is cold the circular bag can be exposed to a hot air stream from a hair dryer before using the bag directly.
EP 2460505 A1: “Spanking-machine”
[The present invention] has eminently a purpose as “sex toy” in order to practice as an entertainment, fantasy, game, etc., the so called “English discipline” or Spanking wherein one person spanks to another one…
I genuinely have no idea what is happening here.
US 20070015435 A1: “Tongue toy system”
An interactive online tongue toy system connected to one or many other toys or software over a global communication network specifically used for tongue motions or licking.
Again, no idea. And why does the internet look like something from the set of Flight of the Navigator?
DE 102010056440 A1: “Sex toy has cavity with cavity opening and closure provided on cavity opening, where one or multiple meaningful materials or objects are formed in cavity”
By compositions of content is … a “rollercoaster of emotions” is possible by, for example, objects that evoke conflicting emotions, such as love – with a photo of a loved one – with disgust and hatred – by a photo of a hated people – combines in a single showroom or sequentially introduced into the body or, for example, with separate showrooms into various orifices.
DE 102010056440 A1 is the perfect sex toy for the hopeless romantic in your life. A dildo with a transparent internal cavity (or “showroom”) in which the user can keep an object of sentimental or erotic value, it’s also a great place to store your birth certificate, passport and any other important documents.
US 5299434 A: “Safe-sex brooch with prophylactic holder”
It is therefore the object of the present invention to provide a safe-sex device that can be pinned to clothing and that includes facing ornamental indicia that serves as a statement that the wearer of the device is carrying a hidden packet containing a prophylactic condom.
I wish that this were a thing. I wish so hard that this were a thing. A fashion statement and a political statement in one, the safe-sex brooch says to everyone you meet, “I believe in wearing condoms! In fact, I have one, right here, right next to the pointy pin that’s holding it onto my shirt. Definitely not a potential issue there.”
US 20040260146 A1: “Oscillating intercourse simulator”
The artificial penis is propelled by the oscillating pendulum. The pendulum is driven by the crankshaft with the electric motor. To adjust the oscillating amplitude, slide the crankshaft up, or down, along the pendulum. When the crankshaft slides up, the oscillating amplitude increases; when it slides down, the amplitude decreases.
So, a battering ram. This is a battering ram.