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Ridiculous New Sex Device Promises To Make Love Last With Weird Glow Sticks

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Have you ever wanted to have sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend and, for whatever reason, you’ve been completely unwilling to express that in words or actions? Well, you’re in luck, because there’s a sex device for that.

Picking up the market left in the wake of the mood ring, the newly released Moodsign is being advertised as a revolutionary new “nonverbal” mood communication device for couples. Which is interesting, because if I were only granted one word of advice to bestow upon any couple ever, it would be “communicate.” It definitely wouldn’t be, “Wave around a glow stick like you’re in some sort of sexual color guard and see if your partner will have the same color.”

Whenever you feel like conveying that you’re in the mood to your partner, instead of using expressive facial cues, body language, or verbal dialogue that has evolved over 85 million years, you can just simply raise an arm on the mood sign device to let them know what you’re thinking. Easy! According to the company, the lights come in color selections like “blue for taking a long bath, green for an erotic massage, and purple for a romantic evening together,” and maybe an unlit white stick for urinary tract infection. And if you’re feeling extra passive aggressive, you could shove a positive pregnancy test in one of the arms for the ultimate in suggestive moodsigns.

The video ad on their website asks, “How could two people who love each other, who have been together for so long, who have the same desire at the same time, not make it happen and read each other’s signs? Isn’t that crazy?” To which I will answer, yes. Yes, that is a little bit crazy and maybe you do really need a Moodsign.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: you and your partner may already have a mood sign. It’s called a boner, and you can wave it around whenever you’re in the mood for love. No purchase necessary.

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