Bobby: HEY LINDSEY.
Lindsey: HEY BOBBY, how was your week?
Bobby: It was pretty uneventful. Last night I fell asleep watching Something’s Gotta Give though. So that was exciting.
Lindsey: Did you dream of Meryl? Is that why you watched it?
Bobby: Diane is in it, not Meryl. I dreamt of Diane. Not Meryl. What about you?
Lindsey: I haven’t been good at movies this week, I’ve been too busy watching 100 episodes of X Factor and The Voice. Totally romantic.
Bobby: People keep focusing on Britney, but how’s Demi?
Lindsey: A queen, as usual. But that’s another topic.
Bobby: Yes. Let’s get to the point. What’s the weekend’s best date movie? Pickings are certainly slim.
Lindsey: Ugh, I was avoding the subject.
Bobby: We have The Master, Finding Nemo 3D, the 5,000th Resident Evil movie, and the Nic Cage ripoff of Taken called Stolen.
Lindsey: If you and your date can bond over the horrible/amazing Nic Cage factor, you should definitely go for Stolen. There’s nothing like bonding while you laugh at Nic Cage. “Get your heart STOLEN. By Nic Cage. At Stolen.”
Bobby: The poster is a disaster area. Its tagline is: “12 HOURS. $10 MILLION. 1 KIDNAPPED DAUGHTER.” Yeah. OK. That’s definitely out.
Bobby: No. Poor Nic Cage, though.
Lindsey: Don’t Poor Nic Cage! HE doesn’t need your pity. His calendar is filled. He’s working hard. He’s living his best life.
Bobby: Well, it also stars Josh Lucas, who’s the poor man’s Bradley Cooper, which isn’t saying much at all.
Lindsey: Who is the rich man’s Bradley Cooper?
Bobby: Um. The rich man’s Bradley Cooper is probably George Clooney? I don’t know. I can’t get into my irrational hatred of Bradley Cooper again. (Even though he has a new movie with Jennifer Lawrence that looks great…) OK. I’m finished. Stolen is out.
Bobby: What about Finding Nemo 3D?
Lindsey: It’s being re-released? Um, unless your date is a 5-year-old (or acts like a 5-year-old) not the best choice. And then you should probably not be dating them.
Bobby: What if you’re a fan of Ellen DeGeneres?
Lindsey: No one saw Finding Nemo for Ellen.
Bobby: Also, I’m not paying a 3D premium unless it’s something VERY special. Like Fright Night 3D.
Lindsey: I will certainly not pay the premium for a movie I’ve already seen.
Bobby: OK that’s out. What about Resident Evil 7,000?
Lindsey: I don’t even know what that means.
Bobby: Yeah ok gone. The Master is all that’s left, but is it going to be a good date movie?
Lindsey: That’s unfortunate.
Bobby: It’s 2 hours 18 minutes long, too. BUT! An all-star cast! Joaquin, PSH, Amy Adams, Joaquin’s lip scar.
Lindsey: Don’t forget Landry from Friday Night Lights!
Bobby: Is The Master the kind of movie you want to cuddle during?
Lindsey: You can see The Master on a date ONLY IF you have coffee afterward to chat about it. You could really get to the bottom of your date’s religious views?
Bobby: What if it ends your relationship?
Lindsey: Yeah, probably not the best idea?
Bobby: Only if your date is a Scientologist.
Bobby: If you’re dating a Scientologist, take them to see the Nic Cage movie. If you’re not, take them to see The Master.
Lindsey: I think that’s a good split. And if you’re dating a Scientologist, be careful.
Bobby: Yeah, keep your thetans (and your heart!) in check.
Lindsey Weber is a writer living in Brooklyn and her favorite part of You’ve Got Mail is when Dave Chappelle calls Meg Ryan “fine.”
Bobby Finger is (also) a writer living in a Brooklyn and his favorite part of You’ve Got Mail is anytime Steve Zahn enters a scene.