Date Reporters

Now What? Rachel’s Date Aftermath

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This is the latest post from our Los Angeles-based Date Reporter Rachel Nina Schwartz. She’ll be documenting her experience dating in LA. Catch up on her story here

I love dates in the middle of the week.  It just makes that Tuesday/Wednesday slump suck a little less. Matt, of last week’s drink date, apparently had the same idea because he asked me out for second date: dinner this past Tuesday. Well, either that or he’s got other more important dates on the books and can’t award me a weekend night yet. I’m also totally okay with that.

After our first date, I sent Matt a review via a survey I created for my website State of Date. The form allows users to review dates they’ve been on, and has the option to email the review to their date — which I did. In the review, I let him know I’d had a good time and would like to see him again. He called me on Sunday evening and we had a nice chat wherein he suggested dinner plans. Perhaps he would have called me anyway, but I also knew that since I’d indicated in the review that I’d like to go out again, we were both on the same page and he was clear on where I stood. Not only was he a good sport about the whole Date Reporter/review situation, he impressed me with his restaurant choice!

But you might remember that I had another date last week. James and I met for coffee, and while he was a perfect gentleman (He helped an old lady out of her car. No joke), there were no sparks. So, what happens when you don’t want to see your date again? This is hands down the question I’m asked most frequently regarding dating. How do you get out of another date (when the interest is one-sided) without hurting feelings, being dramatic or acting like a jerk?

In this case there are two options:
1) Gracefully disappear: This is usually the choice of most men — at least from my experience. If they don’t want to see you again they will just not call, not reply to your follow-up text, or otherwise fade-out. But women can absolutely do it too! Avoidance is easy and if neither of you felt great about the date, then it’s probably fine. It certainly sends the message, and if you aren’t super into the guy you probably won’t care much either. You might actually be relieved.

2) The text-planation: If he asks you for a second date and you want to decline but not disappear, this is your go-to strategy.  Instead of ignoring his communication, reply with something short and to the point such as: “Thanks, but I don’t want to go out again. Take care!”  The key here is to not leave any wiggle room for him to misunderstand. Just be super-direct and use as few words as possible. No need to make excuses either. You don’t want to go out again? That’s reason enough, let it be. This seems like a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do, but I firmly believe it’s the most clear, considerate, grown-up and polite thing to do.  Also, it gets easier with practice.

In the case of James, I’m guessing he didn’t feel the spark either because he hasn’t been in touch. And that’s absolutely fine with me so I’m going with option #1. In the interest of paying it forward and storing good date karma, I’d also be happy to recommend him to someone else because really, there is quite the shortage of tall, blue-eyed, smart, gainfully employed non-actors looking for relationships in LA. He wasn’t right for me, but he’ll be great for someone else.

What about you guys? Do any of you ladies or gentlemen have a go-to line you use when it’s not working but you don’t want to do the graceful disappear? Tweet it to me @stateofdate.

Rachel Nina Schwartz is a designer based in New York who is currently in LA for the summer, where she will be writing about her dating experiences. She looks forward to learning how to surf and reveling in a climate conducive to good hair days. Check out her other project,