My little sister Tiffany is a sassy, half-Brazilian, pint-sized version of Sofia Vergara. She has better clothes than I do, is funnier than I am, and apparently knows more about dating than I do.
For the past two years, Tiffany has had an imaginary boyfriend named “Steve” (yeah, IDK about the name choice either) who she calls daily using a pocket mirror. If you try to say anything negative about Steve, as I often do, she will threaten to “bite your nose and never be your friend again, or your sister.”
Here are some of the best pieces of her dating philosophy:
1. On the dating scene
“Don’t look at any unsexy butt.”
2. On disrespect
“If someone’s mean to you, you just tell them ‘Step off, booger!’”
3. On getting a boyfriend:
“(While handing me her plastic Cinderella necklace) You should wear this so that you’re pretty and a boy will like you. (Whispering sadly) I know you don’t have a boyfriend right now.”
4. On having children
Tiffy: Why don’t you have kids?
Me: I’m 24.
Tiffy: (Ignoring this) When you’re 18, you get kids.
5. On going out.
“Slap that booty and slap it hard! All down Broadway!”
6. On the ever-elusive Steve
Me: So are you and Steve still together?
Tiffy: Yeah, I don’t know where he lives. That’s the problem.
Me: Yeah, that’s tough.
7. On gender roles
Tiffy (Holding a stuffed bear): Guess what my boyfriend’s name is?
Me: Steve? Todd? D’Angelo?
Me: Ok, what is it?
Tiffy: It’s a girl! Her name is Brittany and we kiss each other!
8. On date plans
Tiffy: I’m going on a date tonight.
Me: Oh yeah, with who?
Me: What are you gonna do?
Tiffy: We’re going to a lunch place. Gonna make out.
9. On romancin’
“Play the recorder for them. Boys love the recorder.”