Yesterday, BuzzFeed contributor Alex Belanger posted an as-told-to essay from an anonymous finance guy (hereby referred to as AFG), detailing his travails as an overworked Wall Street banker who turned to paying younger women for sex as an outlet for the stresses brought upon him by his miserable life (like the wife and kids out in suburbia, who he avoids going home to whenever possible). Instead, he spends “a few nights a week” in the city, dialing up college-aged girls he finds through a networking site that connects aspirant “sugar daddies” with equally desperate “sugar babies” who are willing to share their bodies in exchange for some liquid assets.
While the entire essay reads like a chapter from American Psycho that was eventually left on the cutting room floor, I’ll share ten of the more morally bankrupt statements AFG makes here.
1. “I don’t see anything wrong with paying a younger, beautiful girl to sleep with me.”
The law tends not to agree with you here, but since you’ve found a loophole to exploit (calling her a “sugar baby” rather than a “prostitute”), I suppose you’ll just have to live with the endless guilt that is piling up within your soul like a steaming trash heap. You know, instead of a few months in a 6′ by 8′ concrete cell, which is where solicitors of sex who don’t work on Wall Street usually end up.
2. “I met a few women, but they were all older, never the young ones I wanted to be taking home.”
Is that excerpted from a pedophile’s diary? Nope, it’s just AFG telling you about his humdrum second-life as a philandering creepshow. Meanwhile, his kids are at home developing absent-daddy issues that will probably have them in and out of therapy sessions by age nine or ten.
3. “I soon started meeting girls – and was just as quickly disappointed by what I found. Most of them said they were younger than they were, or fatter than their photos.”
Wait, you mean the most attractive and sought after young women in the city aren’t clambering over one another for the opportunity to be your hooker? Imagine that! God forbid they have better things to do, like date guys closer to their age who don’t frequent Internet forums that effectively legalize prostitution.
4. “I could tell by their speech, by if they used “like” a lot in their sentences and the sound of their voices to gauge how young they really were …”
Seriously, can someone get this guy an unmarked white van and a jumbo bag of fun-size Snickers so we can put him behind bars already? Just how “young” is your target range, AFG? Are you, like, looking for, like, someone who, like, giggles and blushes a lot? If so, GET AT ME. I could use the $4K and I know a jiu-jitsu maneuver that will render you impotent if applied with accuracy.
5. “I felt like a stud, there’s no denying that.”
I mean, how could you not? I know it makes me feel like a virile, seductive, irresistible man to think that the only plausible way I can convince a young, attractive girl to sleep with me is by offering to front her large sums of money. And I’m 24. I can’t imagine how this exercise would inflate my ego at 40!
Related: ATTN: Mike the I-Banker
6. “It was the first time I felt a little hurt, like: ‘This person just wants my money and probably thinks I’m some gross horny old dude.’”
YOU ARE some gross horny old dude. If you weren’t, you would pick up young girls by brooding at fancy hotel bars or smoking cigarettes outside university libraries, like civilized adulterers do.
7. “The funny thing is often these girls are chasing me to sleep with them again, because it’s easy money, but I just scroll through and delete or ignore the messages most of the time.”
You badass. I bet that really boosts your self-confidence, huh? Turning away young girls who are desperate to X you? Enjoy it while it lasts, because you won’t be able to offer them a nickel once your wife’s lawyers drag you to a state of financial ruin.
8. “Men want to be with a lot of women; it is just the truth.”
I think I speak for most men when I say that AFG, a sexual sociopath, has no business speaking on behalf of men as a collective entity.
9. “Sometimes I will meet some of the escorts, but I prefer normal girls.”
Oh, of course, “normal girls”: the kind who do “normal things” like sign up for websites that connect them with horny old men who pay money for sex. Yeah, come to think of it, that’s nothing like an escort at all. How dare these websites conflate the two as if they were one in the same!
10. “I’m not hurting anyone by doing this.”
Until your wife gets an anonymous email from one of your “normal girls,” which I hope happens to you someday, AFG.