So There

Everything I Hate About the Guy Who Left His Wife for His ‘Millennial’ Intern

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Yesterday, an anonymous author churned out the most revolting Thought Catalog essay yet, which is admittedly kind of an achievement. Let me save you the click — here’s everything you need to know about America’s turdliest human turd.

From the beginning we knew our relationship looked like a cliché—perhaps plucked from a boring episode of Mad Men. You, my 21-year-old millennial intern, me, your 30-something married boss with two kids.

Right out of the gate! A “21-year-old millennial?” Good thing you clarified, in case we’d thought you were describing a time-traveling 21-year-old Baby Boomer. Or do the intergalactic laws of SEO now compel us to shoehorn the word millennial into at least a third of all sentences? Also, this woman’s age would hardly be a factor if not for the creepily paternal mansplaining you resort to throughout your story. And don’t you dare bring Mad Men into this. Let’s take this thing bit by bit, awful morsel by awful morsel.

We both agree that nothing would have happened had we not ended up in the same city for the same event over that beautiful spring weekend. The air was cool, the music vibrant, and the beer and margaritas plentiful. For months, I had carried a secret crush for you, but I never thought of making a move. Yes, my marriage had been all but over for four years, and we were simply limping along for the sake of our children. But cheating had not been an option.

Cheating was, apparently, an option, because that’s what you did. Also, drinking copiously with someone that you’ve nursed a months-long “secret crush” on is not generally considered appropriate behavior for people in monogamous relationships. Especially when that someone is your employee.

It was barely more than a week when I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t be a cheater, and you couldn’t be a mistress.

For someone who “couldn’t be a cheater,” you sure did seem keen to cheat on your wife.

Yet soon the realities of our situation set in. The early puppy love turned serious and differences emerged from the shadows. You were finishing college, looking for jobs, and beginning to become an adult. I was going through a major life transition and adjusting to dating, and dating someone much younger.

So, as far as you’re concerned, she’s only “beginning to become an adult” at this point? What did that make her the first time you fucked?

Despite all my progress, I made many mistakes. I threatened to expose how we got started when you threatened to leave.

Yikes. You also mention “nights in dark dive bars to avoid coworkers.” If this really is “simply a matter of two people falling in love,” why the secrecy?

The experts say that we shouldn’t be afraid to walk away from a bad relationship. You finally had the courage to do what I couldn’t do, even after you were kissing and making dinners for your neighbor behind my back, when you got together with ex-boyfriends without telling me, and accepted dates from other men, but didn’t call them dates because you didn’t think they really were.

I’m not going to pretend she sounds like a peach. Nor will I pretend that you don’t sound like a passive-aggressive dickbag. By the way, what do the experts say about abandoning your wife and two children to sleep with your intern?

You said many times that you looked up to me, and you were never shy about seeking my advice. But the truth is that I’m the one who always looked up to you. I’m so proud of you and all that you’ve accomplished. You have an amazing future ahead of you, and even though you’ve chosen to continue without me by your side, I have some final words of advice:

“Could this get any worse?” I asked myself. “No. No, surely it could not.” I was wrong.

1. Continue to work hard.

Yup, just a standard intern/boss performance eval, definitely the time and place for that.

2. Continue to value family and friends.

Alternately, abandon your wife and two children and start sleeping with your intern. That is how you value family.

3. Continue to make your bed. I know you did it for me, but it truly made your day better.

Are you even conscious of the words that you’re typing? Did you write this in a fugue state?

4. Don’t give up on your dreams.

Now we’re just directly cribbing from every single vice-principal’s speech at every single high school graduation.

5. Be comfortable with your body.

Thanks, Dad.

8. Don’t let society define what life should look like. Our relationships, marriage and lives don’t need to meet a particular stereotype to be a life filled with love, happiness and success.

Yes, of all society’s ills, the stereotype that one should probably not abandon his wife and two children to sleep with his intern is definitely among the most virulent.

My friends and my ex-wife tell me that time will heal my wounded heart.

Your ex-wife should not be your friend. Please give me her e-mail address. We need to talk.

I hope to be able to masturbate again without stopping because I can only see your body and your face.

Brb, vomiting my body weight.

I love you.

I hate you.