Man Tries To Sue His Ex Over a Stuffed Animal, and I Side With the Stuffed Animal

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A man in the Hubei Provence of China is suing his ex-girlfriend for $6,450 over a stuffed animal — a plush Snoopy, to be specific. Apparently, his girlfriend had insisted on bringing her stuffed Snoopy along on dates over the course of their four-year relationship, and now, China’s Global Post reports, the guy wants compensation for it. According to him, he’d spent four years buying extra food and extra movie tickets (yes) for Snoopy. He’d gained 22 pounds, he says, from eating all the toy dog’s unfinished restaurant meals. Finally, he snapped — he wouldn’t take Snoopy into the bathroom, she was mad, they broke up — and now, the man wants payment for the four years of “mental anguish” the dog caused.

That would be fair, except for one very important detail: the guy put up with Snoopy for four (4) years. Four years. Four years.

You don’t get to be cool with something for four years and then decide after the fact that the thing you were supposedly cool with actually ruined your life and now you need $6,450. Regret is not a sue-able offense. If you are cool with something, then you are cool with something. If you decide at some point that you are no longer cool with that thing, you discuss that thing. You can break up over that thing! But you cannot sue over that thing. That’s just not how the world works. I’m sorry about your troubles, gentleman from Hubei. It sounds like your girlfriend probably has what Time diagnoses as a “not-so-secret case of plushophilia.” That must have been very difficult for you. Now have a good cry and write some passive-aggressive Gmail drafts, just like everyone else.