Dealbreakers

The Long History of People Who Have Committed Bizarre Crimes for Love

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Jennifer McCarthy, ex-wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Cormac McCarthy, feels very strongly about space aliens, we learned recently. She feels so strongly about space aliens, in fact, that after an argument with her boyfriend on the topic, she allegedly — allegedly — slipped into some lingerie, “pulled a handgun from her genital area,” started performing “a sex act” with the silver Smith and Wesson, and then pointed the weapon at the boyfriend’s head. Again, allegedly. McCarthy herself denied her boyfriend’s account, telling police that the gun in question, which was found in a trashcan outside their house, had been “missing for some time.” Missing, presumably, in a way that is not code for “hiding in my hoo-ha.”

If the story is true — and one hopes, for all possible reasons, that it is not — McCarthy joins a long line of people who’ve gone batshit for love. Feelings, history and the internet have taught us, can make people do crazy things. Crazy, violent things. If we can learn one thing from this, it is that domestic violence is never okay. If we can learn two things from this, though, it is that there are a lot of people we should probably not date. For example:

1. The Man Who Reappeared In His Ex’s Attic 12 Years After They Broke Up. One night in 2012, a North Carolina woman woke up with the feeling that “something just ain’t right.” And something indeed was not right: specifically, that her ex of 12 years, who had recently been released from prison, was living in her attic. As he had been for two weeks, defecating in “Route 44” Sonic cups and spying on her through the ceiling vent, like the world’s creepiest raccoon.

2. The Astronaut Who Attacked Her Ex-Boyfriend’s New Girlfriend While Wearing Diapers. In 2007, astronaut Lisa Nowak attacked her ex’s new flame. To execute her plan — pepper spraying the woman in the Orlando International Airport parking lot — Nowak drove 900 miles. Which was no problem: Nowak knew the handy time-saving trick that all busy astronauts-cum-criminals know: if you wear adult diapers, you won’t have to stop for bathroom breaks. Unfortunately, it means that when you are arrested for assault, you will also be wearing adult diapers.

3. The Guy Who Tried To Defecate In His Girlfriend’s Car But It Wasn’t Actually Her Car. To get back at his ex-girlfriend, a recently dumped Austin man planned to break into her car and empty his bowels there. Which he did. Except that the Honda Civic wasn’t her Honda Civic. It was a random Honda Civic (why are there so many Honda Civics in this town?). This is a man who is, or at least was, unhinged. This is a man who is, or at least was, unfamiliar with the concept of license plates.

4. The Woman Who Decapitated Her Girlfriend’s Dildos. Late last year, a Florida Woman was very angry at her former girlfriend, and so she did what any reasonable person would do: she talked it out. Just kidding — she decapitated her girlfriend’s three dildos. Or maybe she didn’t. Maybe the toys were chopped by someone else. Maybe they were just, you know, manufactured that way. We’ll never know, because the case was closed do to “lack of further investigative leads.”

5. The Dude Who Got His Friend To Shoot Him To Impress His Ex-Girlfriend. A Wisconsin man wanted to get his girlfriend back, so in 2011, he got his friend to shoot him in the back. You know, the ladies love that. His hope was that his beloved would then visit him in the hospital, feel passionately sympathetic, and fall back in love with him, because who wouldn’t go for that? His girlfriend. That’s who wouldn’t go for that. Also, the police, who arrested both him and the friend that shot him.

6. The Lady Who Set Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Mattress On Fire. Illustrating the old principle that you shouldn’t force yourself into someone’s apartment if you’re not going to like what you find (or, you know, ever), a Florida woman (again) discovered her ex in bed with his new ladyfriend. The sight of which, she later explained, “made her crazy.” So she lit their mattress on fire. As she said, “crazy.”

Image from Fatal Attraction because duh