Guess who I’m not hopping into to bed with? The guy who just moments ago confessed that his dream in life is to “live in a yurt.” No offense to his dream, but my dream is never to go camping, never to interface with wild animals, and never go without running water or poop in a hole unless emergency dictates it. Just moments earlier, I was digging this fellow and now all I can see when I look at him is a vision of what he will look after a few years in his yurt — a little bit like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.” “No thanks,” says my vagina. Here are some things that guys have said to us that killed our attraction to them in two seconds flat.
1. “I don’t need anyone as long as I have my cat.” Well let me just pack up my things and go.
2. “It’s a woman’s job to change diapers.” Yes. It. Is. Check please!
3. “I borrowed money from my cousin to take you out to dinner.” How, um, sweet (?) of you.
4. “Let me shave you.” Let me run screaming from your apartment.
5. “I live with my mom, and she eats all of my ice cream.” I can’t wait to have a slumber party at your place!
6. “My last girlfriend and I went to sex therapy because I can’t orgasm.” I look forward to learning more about your sexual dysfunction.
7. “I have no faith in humanity.” Misanthropy isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac.
8. “Jesus Christ was a loser.” I don’t care what religious beliefs you subscribe to, there’s no reason to knock JC.
9. “I want to write a book for young people about how to live.” The world thanks you, oh humble guru.
10. “Who’s your daddy?” Not you, dude.
11. “You mean you actually wear a bikini at the beach?” No, I wear a wetsuit so not an inch of my skin sees sunlight.
12. “I believe in the power of touch.” And I believe in the power of never touching you.
13. “Lesbians always hate me and I don’t know why.” I do, you’re a homophobe!
14. “I’m really good at getting women pregnant.” This is a selling point? Exactly how many spawns do you have out there floating around?
15. “You want to have kids even though there are crazy people in your family?” Not with you, you judge-y bastard.
16. “I’m really glad you’re not one of those man-hating feminists.” You might have just turned me into one.
17. “I’m really in touch with my feminine side.” Gold star for you, lady boy.
18. “You really touch my heart chakra.” Is this some New Age way of saying, “I love you”?
19. “My mother sells herbal weight loss supplements, if you’d like to lose a few.” Thanks so much for the tip, but I’m all stocked up on Xenadrine. What’s good enough for Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” is good enough for me.
20. “I’ve got to go to my mani/pedi appointment.” Shall I fetch you some rag mags to look at while you’re getting primped and pampered?
21. “I think you’re beautiful. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hang out with you.” That is awfully kind of you.
22. “I can’t go that restaurant, my ex works there and she has a restraining order against me.” Oh yeah … sure no problem. Let’s take a raincheck on dinner. Like forever.
23. “I’ll let you be my official girlfriend.” How many women are your unofficial girlfriends?
24. “I’m attaching a new crystal to my scepter.” Gotta love a man who keeps his magic wand all blinged out.
25. “Check out my new Storm Trooper costume for Comic Con.” Nope.
26. “I can’t sleep with you in my bed.” Well then, I will kindly get out of it and let you get your beauty rest.
27. “If I was capable of loving someone, it would be you. But I’m not. So I don’t.” Nothing more charming than an emotionally bankrupt man.
This post originally appeared on The Frisky.