Buzzkills

How to Have a Fun, Flirty Bed Bug Infestation!

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Close up view of laughing couple who plays in bedIf you’re a resident of any major city in the world, then you know that bed bugs are an unfortunate but true presence in our lives. Not only are they horrifying, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-inducing little creatures from hell, but weathering the bed bug storm can push any healthy relationship to the brink of destruction. So here are some fun ways to really spice up your bed bug infestation! Can you feel the heat? Haha get it? Heat kills bed bugs ohmygodwhyisthishappeningtomeeee

1. Who needs a pillow fort when you can make a trash bag fort! Sure, you’ve had to heat treat all of your clothing, linens, purses, shoes, books, and picture frames, then put them into trashbags to protect them, but who says that you can’t have fun while you’re at it! You and your partner will momentarily forget how horrible your life has become as you build this fort together. It’s a great place to have a panic attack and what’s more fun than gettin’ frisky inside of a fort? That is if you can manage to ignore all of the cracks between each and every floorboard, where more bed bugs are most certainly lurking.

2. Blame your neighbors! Sure, you suspect your boyfriend brought them into the apartment after spending a night playing video games at his DISGUSTING friend Teddy’s house because lord only knows what lives in that dude’s couch, but that really won’t help anything. So blame your weird neighbor who plays house music all the time instead! That idiot probably bought like 20 mattresses off of Craigslist, it’s TOTALLY his fault! Having a shared enemy will unite you and only make your love stronger. Plus, it’s nice to be able to project the rage you feel towards tiny, watermelon seed-shaped bugs onto a real live human being!

3. No furniture? No problem! Having to throw out your mattress, couch, armchair, ottoman, and dresser may seem like a drag, but look at it this way: less furniture means more room to romp! Now you and your honey can get it on without all those annoying pieces of furniture and worldly possessions getting in the way. Total freedom! Except from your anxiety – that’s a prison you’ll NEVER escape!

Rob a bank! The thrill of committing a felony can be a real turn on, plus with all the new furniture, rounds of extermination, and eventual relocation to a new apartment, bed bugs are INCREDIBLY expensive.

4. Invent imaginary friends together! Your friends are avoiding you like the plague – which makes sense because that’s essentially what has befallen you – and by now you and your lover are really, really sick of each other. So take advantage of the hallucinations you’re having from the toxic poison all over your apartment and get creative! Make up imaginary friends! Better yet, make up imaginary friends for each other since you probably can’t stand his real friends anyway. Then enjoy a fun night in with you, your honey, and his sensitive best friend, Enrique, who is a Spanish prince, always sides with you about what movie to watch, and also knows a ton about good wine. Heck, have a three-way! It doesn’t matter, it’s all fake! Just like your infestation is not.

5. Rob a bank! The thrill of committing a felony can be a real turn on, plus with all the new furniture, rounds of extermination, and eventual relocation to a new apartment, bed bugs are INCREDIBLY expensive. So channel your inner Bonnie and Clyde and rob a bank together! Armed robbery not your thing? Crying to your parents and begging for money works too. But make sure and cry to your parents as a couple.

And if none of these tips work, remember: we are stronger than bed bugs. Even if they’re better at hiding, reproducing, and resisting poison than we are. We have opposable thumbs. That’s something they will never have. Unless they evolve. Oh sweet Jesus, that can’t happen, right? Right. Right?

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