Buzzkills

10 Tattoos That Make You Undateable

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1

Barbed Wire Bands

I’m not just being judgmental about what a band of barbed tattoo says about a guy. He could be a perfectly fantastic gentleman. I just happen to not like them. But also, we cannot deny the fact that they carry a bad stigma. Don’t all of the Jersey Shore guys have one? I think they do, and that they’re all spelled wrong.

Plus: This Could Be Bad: 20 Couples Tattoos

2

Tattoos That Look Like Ripped Flesh

For people with vivid imaginations, looking at ripped flesh tattoos is not bearable. You just start imagining guts and veins and blood — it’s enough to make a pansy-ass like me faint. I know that stuff is under there, I do not need reminding. I can’t bear watching surgeries or shark attacks on TV, and I can’t bear seeing that shit on your skin. I have never had sex with someone who has one of these tattoos, but I imagine I’d be wary that I’d rip open the (fake) wound. Vivid imagination, I said.

3

Another Girl’s Name

Obviously. Unless it’s your mother’s. I would love to bang a guy with a mom tattoo.

4

Anything Misspelled

This seems like a big duh, but if was such a big duh, why does it happen so often? I can live with dorky song lyrics and mottos, or religious statements that I do or do not agree with. But you could have “Lauren Has The Finest Ass This Side Of The Mississippi” tattooed on your face, and if there aren’t four i’s and four s’s, you look like an unforgiveable dumbass.

5

Actually, Anything On Your Face Or Neck

I don’t want to feel so out of place in our engagement photos. I don’t want to embarrass you.

Plus: What His Tattoo Says About What Kind Of Boyfriend He’ll Be

6

Probably Any Cartoon Character

The other day I saw a guy with Beavis and Butthead tattooed on each of his calves. And that is the day I met the only exception to this rule. It has to be that ridiculous to go all the way past bad back to awesome.

7

The Confederate Flag

Or you know, anything you might get called out on CNN for, just to be safe.

8

Any Asian Symbols You Don’t Give Two Fucks About

Asian symbols can be beautiful and meaningful, but if yours is supposed to say “peace” (and how can we really be sure?), I’m going to assume you just did it to get more pussy.

Plus: Penis Tattoo Leads To Permanent Erection

9

A Memorial Sketch Of Your Dead Child’s Face

I have too many questions.

10

Bugs

I don’t like bugs.

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