Advice

8 Really Unattractive Things Guys Do When They’re Drunk

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Last month, my coworker Scott penned the popular “6 Really Unattractive Things Women Do When They’re Drunk.” Well, turnabout is fair play, Scott!

Sure, we might have trouble drinking from a straw after a few too many, and we might be considerate enough to annoyingly ask if we’re “awful.”

But here are some obnoxious things the brutish sex does when drunk:

1. Pee. Pee Anywhere.

We know you have Oedipal impulses, but peeing on the street/in a plant/off a balcony/your pants/in the corner of our bedroom* makes us feel like your mother in the absolute least appealing way possible.

*Yup, really happened to a friend of mine.

2. Drunk Face

One eye closed, one eye kind of open, and your entire face really, really, sweaty. Not your best look, bud.

Related: What Your Drink Says About You On a Date

3. Not Being Able To Walk Five Feet Without Stopping To Say Something Declarative

Guys have this thing where after a certain amount of drinks, they think they channel John Locke and literally cannot walk down the street without stopping, physically stopping to spout something brilliant and unintelligible.

I think I speak for all women here when I say: “NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, CAN YOU PLEASE JUST KEEP WALKING?”

4. Try To Dance

Some guys need a drink in them before they feel comfortable enough to let go of inhibitions and dance. That’s fine — lots of girls need that, too.

But a few too many drinks, and suddenly guys act like they’re extras on Step Up 4. Except they are not extras on Step Up 4, they’re drunk guys, trying to dance.

Related: What to Order At the Bar To Impress Your Date

5. Alcoholic Sweat

Sweat that smells like alcohol is like, ten times worse than normal sweat. Also, you’re imbibing so much that it’s literally being secreted out of your pores? Go home!

6. Have Trouble Getting It Up

Not getting it up because you have issues with that sometimes? Totally fine, and nothing to be ashamed of!

Not getting it up because you drank too much? You don’t know what you’re missing, fool.

Related: “Stick With Labels You Can Pronounce,” And Other Tips For Ordering Wine On A Date.

7. Decide To DJ

Because suddenly, it’s important that everybody listen to this really great album, it’s just so amazing, listen to it! Did you hear that line? Aw man, so good. Let’s listen again.

8. Slap Our Asses

Something about alcohol makes men brave, cocky, and a little bit sexist. Just because you’ve knocked a few back does NOT give you permission to slap our asses every time we make the mistake of walking by you.

What do you think is the most unattractive thing guys (or girls) do when they’re drunk?