For the person you love from afar:
Wine (and perhaps one of those ‘Hi, My Name is’ cards)
For your Tumblr Crush:
For the friend you’ve loved in silence far too long:
For your sexy coworker:
Wine (and perhaps a copy of your HR handbook)
For the person with whom you made a bad first impression:
For the person you met recently and you don’t really know where you want this to go:
For your first date:
Wine (times two)
For your break-up:
Wine (times three)
For the person you really like but don’t know how to express that affection:
Wine (and maybe some tequila? Your choice)
For the person with whom you want to spice things up:
Porn. I kid! I kid! Wine, obviously.
For the person who likes you more than you like them:
For the person you with whom you want to break up, but don’t want to do it the day before Valentine’s Day:
For “the one that got away”:
Nothing. Nothing at all. Turn around and walk away.
For your ex:
Seriously, nothing. Instead get yourself something. I like to call it a tall glass of dignity.
Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.