Sad Things

We Are On the Cusp of a Major Whiskey Shortage and There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do to Stop It

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First they came for our limes and then they came for our chocolate and now they are coming for our whiskey. Consider yourself warned. The whiskey apocalypse is coming.

As a nation, we are gulping down bottles of top-shelf stuff faster than they can be produced. When there is no whiskey — and there will soon be no whiskey — it will be because we drank it all. Blame the hipsters. Blame your dad.

But why not just make more whiskey, if we all love whiskey so much? Has the market not spoken here? Couldn’t we just make more?  Nope, it turns out. Whiskey is “the ultimate slow food” and therefore takes forever to come to maturity — around a decade, a rep from Buffalo Trace tells Foobooz. And it gets worse. Even if we’re all willing to wait patiently for years, distillers can’t adequately increase their production because there aren’t enough barrels in the United States. Thanks to the extremity of this past winter, we’re also experiencing a wood shortage. Hahahahahaha good joke, universe.

In the very near future, prices are going to rise and certain varieties will become unavailable in certain regions. Esquire has some tips for surviving and thriving in the new whiskey economy. The practical folks at Smithsonian, meanwhile, suggest you get into gin.

[h/t Punch]